Why So Psychic, GOOPY?

February 28, 2012 / Posted by:

Fishsticks Paltrow is an Oscar-winning actress, a Grammy-nominated book talker, a wood-burning pizza oven advocate, a noted eye roll-inducer, a shit tube expert, the pride of Britain and a woman who redefines “pretentious ass bitch” with every GOOP newsletter she queefs out. Well, you can add a new title to Fishy’s never-ending list of gifts: master future-teller! The GOOPY one has been cleansed by the infinite light of greatness beaming off of Blue Ivy Carter’s halo and tells Hollywood Life (via UsWeekly) that B.I.C. will be the Liza Minnelli to Beyonce’s Judy Garland.

“She is going to be an entertainer. She just has this glow around her like her mother. She’s stunning. She has the most beautiful eyes.

Beyonce is doing great. She’s just a natural at being a mom.”

A glow around her? You DUMB DUMB GOOP! That’s not a natural glow. Beyonce gets her “glow” from seven layers of liquified gold spread across her face and from the team of assistants shining soft light at her from mobile diffused spotlights. That’s the glow of money, honey. And about that “she’s going to be an entertainer” thing. I would say “No shit, bitch” to Fishticks, but she’d probably respond with, “No shit? You should try my $425 colon cleanse then!

I don’t have to hump a crystal ball with my eyes to see that Blue Ivy Carter is going to be an entertainer. B.I.C.’s name is trademarked, she has already had a hit single and she just has to let out a burp to get a multi-million dollar record deal from any label of her choosing. I’d glow too if I knew my shit was set for life. But Fishy obviously doesn’t understand this, because unlike B.I.C., she had to pound the pavement and work hard for everything she has. It’s not like she’s only famous because her mom is Blythe Danner, her godfather is Steven Spielberg and her ex-piece is Brad Pitt. No, not at all.

And is that Paula Abdul to the right? (Just pretend and say yes.) Fishy looks like a giant white Vicodin pill in that cape dress thing, so why didn’t Paula swallow her whole? Oh Paula, you disappoint.

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