Jessica Simpson Just Entered Her Seventh Trimester

February 28, 2012 / Posted by:

Road work ahead, they have no idea….

So if you’re thinking about getting knocked up, just put some aspirin between your legs and forget about it, because Chestica Simpson is KNOCKED UP for all of us. My eyeballs feel swole just from looking at Jessica and she still has a few more weeks to go before her body explodes. She’s either going to give birth to a fully formed 18-year-old or Michelle Duggar’s going to kiss her record goodbye when Jess pops out an entire kindergarten class. Not even a private school class. Jess is going to birth out an entire public school class, so they’ll have to share a desk and shit.

I don’t know whether to say a prayer in front of my Saint Guadalupe candle for the bra straps holding up Jessica’s 400-gallon leche sacks or for her ankle bones who are probably going through some serious shit right now. I’ll pray for neither and drink an entire pitcher of cherry Kool-Aid instead, because I’ve suddenly got a craving for some.

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