Dancing With The…Who Are These Hos?!
Today on Good Morning Amurica, ABC announced the newest cast of questions marks and has-beens who will shake their nipples off either a much-needed check, a defibrillator pad to their flatlining career or both!
That headline is sort of sprinkled with lies, because I recognize 9 out of 12 of these “stars,” but I stuff my head with all kinds of useless shit instead of shit I should probably know. Like I can tell you the first and last name of all the cast members from Rags to Riches without IMDBing for a clue, but if you asked me what my dad’s birthday is, I’d make the same face White Oprah makes when someone asks her the names of her sons (aka the leeches who don’t contribute to her gin fund).
I know a lot of the hos on the new cast of Dancing for Relevancy, but if you haven’t turned your brain into a dilapidated pop culture junkyard like I have, you probably don’t know a lot of them. So let’s play a game. If you know the ho, then you know the ho. But if their name makes you squint while brain burping out a question mark, then they’re officially a stranger bitch. Let’s play!
Star: William Levy, Cuban hot piece who should be ordered by the United Nations to never wear clothes for peacekeeping purposes.
Partner: MOP HEAD (Damn that bitch)!
Verdict: I know that ho. I know that ho so well that I can sketch his peen print from memory.
Star: Sherri “The German” Shepherd, flat world advocate and one of the screeching hyenas on The View.
Partner: Val Chmerkovskiy
Verdict: I know that ho and I curse the day that I could say that shit with confidence.
Star: URKEL (government name: Jaleel White)
Partner: Kross Eyed Kym
Verdict: I know that ho and he better dance as Myrtle Urkel.
Star: Martina Navratilova, tennis icon and legendary lez.
Partner: Tony Dovolani
Verdict: I know that ho and I already have a fever from picturing the glamour she’s going to give us in rhinestones and feathers.
Star: Jack Wagner, the breaker of Heather Locklear’s fragile heart!
Partner: Anna Trebunskaya
Verdict: I know that ho and he better Rumba to All I Need at least once every week.
Star: Donald Driver, football dude.
Partner: Peta Murgatroyd
Verdict: Stranger bitch. I know a lot of packers, but none of them are from Green Bay or wherever this dude is form.
Star: Maria Menounos, some EXTRA (extra being the key word) ho.
Partner: Derek Hough
Verdict: I know that ho.
Star: Roshon Fegan, one of Mickey Mouse’s hos and star on some show called Shake It Up.
Partner: Chelsie Hightower.
Verdict: Stranger bitch.
Star: Gavin DeGraw, a member of the John Mayer tribe and a Guinness World Record holder for being the only dude on the planet who still wears newsboy caps past the age of 30 and under the age of 65.
Partner: Karina Smirnoff Ice.
Verdict: I know that ho and I can’t wait to see the disco ball lights ricochet off of his epic forehead.
Star: Glady Knight, no description of her skills needed.
Partner: Tristan MacManus
Verdict: I know that ho.
Star: Katherine Jenkins, opera singer.
Partner: Mark Ballas
Verdict: Stranger bitch
Star: Melissa Gilbert, star of Hollywood Wives: The New Generation!
Partner: Maksim Douchekovisky
Verdict: I know that ho.
So even though this is probably one of the worst casts ever, there’s only 3 stranger bitches among them for me. Not bad. Hopefully, ABC makes up for this shit cast by putting William Levy in a Spandex dong hammock (and keeping Sherri Shepherd out of anything Spandex) every week.