I normally don’t do that “best dress of the night” shit, because: a) Coming from me, who gives three craps? and b) 99.999% of the dresses last night from the House of MEH. But I have to break my own tradition by giving all the gold stars to George Clooney’s paid escort Stacy Keibler. Now that awards season is over and Stacy’s services as George’s red carpet piece are no longer needed, she’ll be banished to the land of lost trophies with Sarah Larson, but at least she went out big!
First of all, Stacy’s dress is gold and so even though George was a huge loser last night, he still went home with a trophy that has the personality of metal. Second of all, not only does that flower thing on her hip look like a delicious gold Cinnabon, but if you think like a 13-year-old (aka like me) you’ll see that the flower thing also looks like a blossom of gold labias. It’s genius! It’s like a vagina flower on her hip. If George suddenly got in the mood to hump, Stacy wouldn’t have to do a thing. She’d just have to cock her hip to the side while George cocks the flower on her side. So because of all that, STACY WINS!
And I also threw in a few pictures of some other dresses, because it’s not like you’ve already seen the same pictures on a million other sites. In order: Stacy with George, Princess Charlene with Prince Pierced Peen, Sandra Bullock, Rose Byrne, Penny Cruz, Viola Davis, Tina Fey, A NUN!!!, Milla Jovovich, Rooney Mara, Melissa McCarthy, Fishsticks (it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s supercunt), Natalie Portman with her maybe husband, Esperanza Spalding, Michelle Williams and Pharrell. Wait. Where was Sally Kirkland? The Oscars aren’t the same without Sally Kirkland running around the red carpet wearing a rug from Pier 1 as a dress. So that’s why the Oscars sucked. It didn’t have its good luck charm.