Open Oscars Post: Hosted By Blind Santa Claus

Don’t medical experts say the best hangover cure is to get drunk again and stay drunk continuously so you never get hungover again? That is why I’m going to get rid of my day-long hangover by swallowing a wine bottle to get me through 55 thousand million hours of wishing that Billy Crystal’s unicorn twin Richard Simmons was hosting this mess instead. Sacha Baron Cohen’s STUNT QUEEN ass just walked on the red carpet at the Oscars in his Dictator drag, so I hope the foolery continues through the night and Melissa McCarthy dresses up as her Bridesmaids character to tackle Octavia Spencer when Octavia wins Best Supporting Actress.

Put your mouth around your mind-number of choice and connect up your arm vein to an IF drip full of creamed Chicken McNuggets, because you’re going to need the protein. It’s going to be a long ass night, but Nick Nolte and that nose picker in the back will get us through this.

If you need me, I’ll be drunkTweeting on my Twatter starting at around 8:15pm. But before I do that, I’m going to make the sign of the cross the same way my abuelita does when she’s about to be stuck in the car with us for over 4 hours during a road trip. I’m in it for the long, painful haul. Happy Drunkscars!