Jack And Jill Went Up The Hill To Fetch A Pail of Razzies

February 26, 2012 / Posted by:

The nominations for the biggest pieces of corroded turds that fell out of Hollywood’s ass last year were announced yesterday and Adam Sandler beat all the records by getting 11 nominations for the trio of cinematic vomits Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson and Just Go With It. If this doesn’t convince Adam Sandler that he needs to reavaluate his life choices and realize that nothing will beat his performance as Stud Boy in Remote Control, then I don’t know what will.

12 flying Razzie nominations landed on the pile of steaming shit that is Jack and Jill alone. It’s not like I’m surprised that Jack and Jill is pretty much the worst thing to happen to movie’s since Vincent Gallo’s cum load, but I am surprised that it made $134 million. $134 million. How did that many bitches see that shit? I bet the same people who paid to see Jack and Jill are the same people who suck up all the hot water in their apartment building, because they spend 5 hours a day crying at the bottom of the shower while punching at their faces. They hate themselves that much. Anyway, here’s a list of last year’s biggest vomit-inducers:

Worst Picture

BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR
Columbia Pictures / Happy Madison Productions

JACK & JILL
Columbia Pictures / Happy Madison Productions

NEW YEAR’S EVE
Warner Bros / New Line Cinema

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON
Paramount Pictures / Hasbro

TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I
Summit Entertainment

Worst Actor

Russell Brand
ARTHUR

Nicolas Cage
DRIVE ANGRY 3-D, SEASON OF THE WITCH and TRESPASS

Taylor Lautner
ABDUCTION and TWILIGHT S.B.D. PART I

Adam Sandler
JACK & JILL and JUST GO WITH IT

Nick Swardson
BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR

Worst Actress

Martin Lawrence (As “Momma”)
BIG MOMMAS: LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

Sarah Palin (As “Herself”)
SARAH PALIN: THE UNDEFEATED

Sarah Jessica Parker
I DON’T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT and NEW YEAR’S EVE

Adam Sandler (As “Jill”)
JACK & JILL

Kristen Stewart
TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Supporting Actress:

Katie Holmes JACK & JILL

Brandon T. Jackson (As “Charmaine”) BIG MOMMAS: LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

Nicole Kidman JUST GO WITH IT

David Spade (As “Monica”) JACK & JILL

The Underwear Model (aka Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Worst Supporting Actor

Patrick Dempsey
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

James Franco
YOUR HIGHNESS

Ken Jeong
BIG MOMMA’S #3, HANGOVER PART 2, TRANSFORMERS #3 and ZOOKEEPER

Al Pacino (As “Al Pacino”)
JACK & JILL

Nick Swardson
JACK & JILL and JUST GO WITH IT

Worst Screen Ensemble

The Entire Cast of BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR

The Entire Cast of JACK & JILL

The Entire Cast of NEW YEAR’S EVE

The Entire Cast of TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

The Entire Cast of TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Director

Michael Bay
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Tom Brady
BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR

Bill Condon
TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I
Dennis Dugan

JACK & JILL and JUST GO WITH IT
Garry Marshall

NEW YEAR’S EVE

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel
ARTHUR

BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR
(Rip-Off of BOOGIE NIGHTS and A STAR IS BORN)

THE HANGOVER PART 2

(Both a Sequel AND a Remake!)

JACK & JILL

(Remake/Rip-Off of Ed Woods’ GLEN OR GLENDA)

TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Screen Couple
Nicolas Cage & Anyone Sharing the Screen with Him in Any of His Three 2011 Movies
Shia LeBeouf & The Underwear Model (aka Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) TRANNIES #3
Adam Sandler & EITHER Jennifer Aniston OR Brooklyn Decker / JUST GO WITH IT
Adam Sandler and EITHER Katie Holmes, Al Pacino OR Adam Sandler / JACK & JILL
Kristen Stewart & EITHER Taylor Lautner OR Robert Pattinson / TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Screenplay
BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR
Written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert and Nick Swardson

JACK & JILL
Screenplay by Steve Koren & Adam Sandler, Story by Ben Zook

NEW YEAR’S EVE
Written by Katherine Fugate

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Written by Ehren Kruger
TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I
Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg

This needs more Tree of Life, which scared me away from movie theaters for a few weeks. It was fifty hours of emotional torture. It was like being stuck in a room while 100% sober with someone who is high on acid. You don’t know whether you want to choke them out or just bang your head against your knees until the noises stop. It made my hair hurt and I ate a giant ball of vom when I walked out of the theater and heard some pretentious slut say, “It was astonimizing.” Yes, astonimizing! See what that Tree of Laxatives movie does to people. It gives them a case of the GOOPY PALTROWS! Tree of Life for worst EVERYTHING.

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