No Cutsies For Chestica

February 21, 2012 / Posted by:

There are two reasons for why carrying a greedy, selfish fetus-shaped bundle of slobber for 9 months is a good thing. The first reason is that you can eat a deep fried chocolate burrito with cake batter sauce out in the open without judgmental hos dropping the gavel on you with their eyes. The second reason is that you get special treatment almost everywhere you go. People will give you their seat on the subway, some parking lots have special spaces for knocked up hos and even paraplegics will roll off of their wheelchairs so the pregnant lady can sit. Jessica Simpson was thinking she’d get this kind of special treatment when she waddled up to a popular Mexican restaurant in Santa Barbara, CA recently.

Star Magazine (via Radar) says there’s always a long ass line to get into La Super-Rica Taqueria and Jessica thought she didn’t have to wait because: a) She’s Heffica Simpson; and b) People would feel guilty listening to her ankle bones crack while she stood in line behind them. Jessica tried to cut in front of the line, but nobody was having it. The source put it like this:

“Apparently Jessica was too hungry to wait on the line like everyone else, so she tried to walk straight to the front in the hope that someone would take pity on her pregnant self. Unfortunately for Jess, the line went crazy and other hungry people started yelling at her. It was so embarrassing. Eventually, Jess was escorted to the back of the line. But she didn’t want to wait. After all that, she just went to grab some Taco Bell around the corner.”

Those people made the smartest decision of their lives! Think about it with your nose. Without a baby in her belly, Jessica’s farts melt contact lenses and will take two of your senses to dark, dark places. The taste of Jessica’s butt burps will never leave your tongue until you rinse with bleach and your nostrils will shrivel down to the size of an ant’s peen slit. Your nostrils won’t have the will to go on anymore. Add a baby and Mexican food, and you’ve got the ingredients for the most destructive weapon on this planet. If North Korea ever gets too bold, we just have to roll Jessica to their borders, turn her around and then hand her a tub of Pintos ‘N Cheese. The next thing you’d see is millions of North Koreans waving white flags while singing Kumbaya.

The waiting diners at La Super-Rica Taqueria know what I’m talking about. They were not about to let Jessica turn their delicious plate of chilaquiles into a plate of shitaquiles. Nope.

(Picture via Pacific Coast News)

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