TMZ posted a picture today of Drew Barrymore and her fiancé Will Kopelman leaving a doctor’s office in Beverly Hills last week and she’s got a fresh out of the machine ultrasound scan in her hand. TMZ thinks that because Drew is an engaged woman she’s no longer reaching for the rubber baby batter-blockers in the drawer of her nightstand, which means that her uterus has a NO VACANCY sign hanging over it. Makes sense to me. It also works for me, because I think Drew would be a good mom. I mean, a lot of moms I know talk to their babies in that weird lispy baby voice and Drew naturally talks in a weird lispy baby voice, so she’s already one step ahead.
But let’s examine that picture since we’ve got nothing else to do. Lift up your Detective La Toya-approved, I meant Detective Nancy Grace-approved magnifying glass and look at the picture at TMZ for a quick second. Here’s a few things I noticed:
1. The lolly. Is it one of those Preggy Pops (I can’t with that name) or do they usually give you lollipops after a sonogram? A doctor hasn’t given me a lolly since I was a kid. No, that’s not true. I got a lollipop the last time I had an HIV test, which sort of freaked me out. But everything freaks me out when I get an HIV test. The lab person could scratch her eyebrow while taking my blood and I’ll automatically think: “OHMYGAWD. I have it. She can see it in my blood!” They probably gave me a lollipop, because I told them how many sexual partners I’ve had and they figured a lolly would distract my mouth from sucking on other things.
2. The Styrofoam cup. The Styrofoam cup really doesn’t mean anything, but it does remind me of the cups from El Pollo Loco, which reminds me of this delicious drink they had (or still have) called Orange Bang. Orange Bang was like the saliva of a golden unicorn. I was addicted to getting Orange Banged. You could refill your cup with Orange Bang at the soda fountain yourself, so I went crazy. My mouth practically lived on the Orange Bang spigot. Then one day, one of the workers said to me, “No more Orange Bang for you!” To this day, that’s still the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me.
3. The sonogram scan. That doesn’t look like a fetus to me. That looks like a fish.
So what we’ve learned is that Drew likes red lollipops and is knocked up with a shark fetus. Oh, and we also learned that I really need to get Orange Banged again. Case closed.