If you’ve got an F next to “sex” on your drivers license, then you’re going to want to read all of this right after you shred that drivers license since you shouldn’t be driving, WOMAN! You should be sitting in the backseat crocheting a crown for your king husband while he drives. You also shouldn’t be reading this unless you’re reading this from your kitchen while making your king husband a meatloaf from scratch. Get in the kitchen, WOMAN!
On the season premiere of Ten Million Kids And We All Stopped Counting, human popcorn machine Michelle Duggar speaks at a conference and shares her tips on how to be a good Christian wife. Michelle handed the wives a worksheet titled “Seven Basic Needs Of A Husband” and it should really be titled “How To Be The Celie To Your Husband’s Mistah.” Michelle writes that a husband needs to feel like the Head Bitch in Charge and you can make him feel that way by depending on him financially and by always keeping your hair sexy and fresh. So far, no complaints from me! If I was a wife, I’d want to spend my morning asking my husband for money for the beauty salon and I’d want to spend my afternoon AT the beauty salon. Faith Goes Pop linked to the full worksheet, but here’s some of the highlights:
1. A husband needs a wife who respects him as a man.
How does a wife destroy her husband’s manliness?
A. By expecting him to know what protection you need
Tell your husband how he can protect you.
B. By being financially independent
1. Love is killed by self-sufficiency
2. Whoever controls the money controls the leadership.
Center your work and your ministry in your home.
C. By giving greater loyalty to outside leadership
1. Pastor and church leaders
2. Men and women Bible teachers
3. Relatives and friends
Ask your husband your spiritual questions.
D. By resisting his decisions in your spirit
1. A wife’s spirit controls her husband’s ambitions
2. Reviewing past failure destroys a husband’s self-worth.
Learn to wisely appeal to your husband
E. By resisting his physical affection
1. This is the unspoken crushing of a man’s spirit.
2. A wife’s Godliness is a powerful guard against her husband’s abuse of … [cuts off]
As The Frisky points out, Michelle links all of her advice to the bible in some way. Michelle also advises that you should ask your husband to define your household responsibilities and you should always be GORGEOUS on the outside for him. Seriously, Michelle gets into the hair thing and quotes someone named I, Corinthians (who I’m guessing looks like this). Michelle writes that God gave women hair for covering and your hairstyle should show that you’re feminine, submissive and soft.
You can call Michelle Duggar a backwards pilgrim bitch all you want, but she’s on to something especially about the hair cape thing. If your hair looks like a majestic fall of golden strands cascading over your forehead, your husband will be so hypnotized by its beauty, as he takes your vagina with his leadership dick, that he won’t even notice when your tortured uterus grabs onto his peen head to makes its escape. Then when he pulls out and your uterus runs for the front door, he’ll still be too mesmerized by your hair to realize that your 300 kids are trying to catch your womb before it gets away. To quote I, Camila Alves: Hair IS important!