We’re coming up on hour three of Whitney Houston’s “Going Home” memorial and I don’t know how my eyelids are still able to open after sitting through Kevin Costner talking for 35 million minutes about himself, himself, himself, himself, Jesus, himself, himself and how he himself put Whitney in The Bodyguard when nobody else wanted her in it. Oh, and he talked about himself and how Whitney is auditioning before God now (or something like that). The dozens of people taking a nap with their eyes open should’ve been the choir’s cue to sing Kevin off the stage, because DAMN. Dances with Woofs was shorter than Kevin’s speech.
Anyway, if Aretha Franklin was there, she would’ve knocked Kevin from the podium with her hip, but she pulled out from performing during Whitney’s funeral. Aretha’s leg muscles just wouldn’t let her be great. Aretha gave this statement to People a couple of hours before Whitney’s funeral today:
“Regretfully, I am so sorry that I was unable to be with you at Whitney’s service today. I had every intention of being there. But unfortunately I had terrible leg spasms and locked leg muscles until 4:00 a.m. this morning following my concert last night, which I’ve been having for the last few days.
I feel it necessary and very important to stay off my leg today as much as possible until concert time this evening. My heart goes out to my dear friend Cissy, Dionne, Bobbi Kristina and the rest of the family. May God keep them all. – Aretha & the Franklin Family.”
If only Aretha knew there is a nurse at the funeral who would’ve soothed her leg spams as she hollered out some musical notes for Whitney. Seriously, there’s an
nurse usher in a white nurse’s hat and everything handing out tissues to the people in the pews. There really should be a nurse in a 50s nurse’s uniform at every funeral, because sometimes you really need a tissue from an authority figure in white.
UPDATE: Here’s Kevin Costner’s eulogy in its entirety. Okay, okay, the last part was a nice tribute.