There comes a time in every trick’s life when they have to grow up and graduate from young mess to old mess. Like take me for instance. I’ve been trying to drink red wine instead of tequila, because a bunch of doctor types on TV say that drinking 1 bottle of red wine every night makes your heart healthy and shit. Yes, those doctors might’ve said to drink 1 glass of red wine, but I was too drunk on red wine to fully understand and I don’t want to undernourish my heart of the red wine it needs. It’s better to be drunk than sorry. (Side note: Shouldn’t health insurance companies pay for your red wine? It’s heart juice! Somebody should tell Dr. Oz to get on this. He’s the Surgeon General, right? I know he’s at least the Surgeon Lieutenant.) Besides, ordering red wine at a restaurant makes you look extra classy.
Pete Doherty is growing up with me, because he has hung up his heroin needles for good. It’s not like Dreamboat has anymore veins his arms, but if he did, he wouldn’t stick a syringe full of the liquid bad shit into them anymore. Dreamy is only going to smoke his heroin from now on. That right there is the sign of a TRUE adult.
Dreamy had a conversation with The Independent to promote his new art show (???) in London and he talked about almost getting fork raped in the chokey and how he will never ever kiss his veins with the lips of a needle again.
On how Kate Moss had a serious elephant fetish: “Kate used to collect elephants, so I’d buy them for her wherever I went. When we split up she destroyed all my stuff, but she didn’t destroy my elephants. Because I couldn’t get over her for a while I just kept buying elephants and now I’ve got a huge elephant collection for sale. I might post them anonymously to her as a wedding present.”
On what he regrets about his relationship with Kate: “The drugs. The thing is, she knew from day one when we began our relationship that I was using very heavily. She knew that. So, you can’t suddenly turn around and say, ‘you’ve got to stop all that’. I do have regrets about Kate, but I wouldn’t want to talk to you about them. I’d only talk to a highly skilled doctor with large amounts of morphine and a hypnotherapist. And a small monkey.”
On how he’s retired from shooting up, because he wants to turn down his crackie antics for his new girlfriend: “I’ve stopped injecting. The only way I see myself in a serious relationship is if I am toning it down a bit. When you’re banging up all day you can’t really have someone else in your life, especially if she’s an English rose. I wouldn’t let her touch anything, I just wouldn’t.”
On how some dude threatened to butt rape him with a fork in prison: “I got on OK in Pentonville [in 2006] because it was kind of my local, if you like. A lot of people wanted to get me, but more wanted to do me a favour. In Wayland last year it was lads from east rather than north London, and loads of other places. People I didn’t know. I didn’t have any money, I didn’t have any drugs. One guy said he was going to stick a fork up my arse. I threw my telly at him because I thought that would get me put in isolation.”
On how his new daughter: “The little girl was two months premature. I said I’d try to be there for the birth. You know what, I don’t want to talk about that. Yeah, she’s mine. We’re using the baby’s blood in one of the pictures.” (Note: The interviewer says he thinks Dreamy was joking about that last part, but I’d be disappointed if a Pete Doherty art show didn’t have at least one work of newborn blood on it.)
2012 really is putting all of us through the changes. Case in point: Dreamy is getting Kate Moss a wedding gift that isn’t a crack pipe necklace and he handled that whole “fork rape” thing the way any normal person would by throwing a TV at that crazy bitch. The old Pete Doherty would’ve told that dude he’ll fuck two forks for a crack rock, a spoon and a syringe. You’re a big kid now, Dreamy!