May The Power Of Godprah Compel You To Watch OWN

February 14, 2012 / Posted by:

Mark February 12, 2012 as the day our Earth God, Oprah, actually begged us mere mortals to return the favor we owe her for giving us OPRAH!

As obviously none of you know since nobody is watching that shit, Oprah’s cable network OWN is still on the air, but it could be letting out its final breath any day now. To put things into perspective, if OWN was an anus, it would be an anus belonging to me. Because only one or two people want to get near it and after they do they regret spending time with it in the first place. It’s like the Trinity Network if the Trinity Network was run by OPRAH! I’ve watched OWN a few times, but shit ain’t for me. It’s too preachy, too serious and it wants me to learn a life lesson from it. Fuck that. The only lessons I want to learn from TV are how to complain about the wall color when I’m buying a house (House Hunters), how to react like a crazy fool when the taxidermist unveils my stuffed dog to me (American Stuffers) and how to pick the perfect outfit to wear before a drunken girl fight so that the censors have to blur out my exposed asshole (Bad Girls Club).

Anyway, OWN isn’t doing too well in the ratings and so Oprah is starting to get desperate. A quick minute after the Grammys started on Sunday night, Oprah asked her nine million followers on Twitter to switch their shit to OWN:

“Every 1 who can please turn to OWN especially if u have a Nielsen box.”

Some of her followers dared to speak out of place and told her she was being unethical and corrupt. Those followers have since been wished into an endless field of TVs that play nothing but reruns of the Iyanla show.

Deadline says that Oprah’s begging blew up in her face, because it’s against Nielsen laws to openly ask a Nielsen family to watch a specific show or network. In this week’s ratings, Nielsen will add a note to all of OWN’s shows stating that Oprah tried to cheat and shit.

I would’ve watched OWN on Sunday night IF I had a Brigitte Nielsen box, but I don’t and I’m a little disappointed by this. OPRAH is OPRAH. You’d think that after she desperately begged for viewers, she then would’ve Tweeted: “Everybody, look under your La-Z-Boy right now. YOU GET A NIELSEN BOX! AND YOU GET A NIELSEN BOX!” Oprah’s omni powers are slipping.

And I would feel for Oprah, but the truth is, she brought this upon herself by bringing this:

….upon us. Karma, etc…

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