The penguins who were married at the Shanghai Ocean Aquarium – Sadly, this wedding wasn’t between the Buddy and Pedro, the gay penguins of Toronto, because gay penguins weddings are not legal yet. But this wedding still has all the ingredients for a romantic and special matrimonial moment. If your shit is married, this will remind you of your wedding night, so prepare your heart for a skip down memory lane of love.
The Shanghai Ocean Aquarium grabbed two random penguins who could be arch rivals for all they know and threw them into a lucite box strapped to a boa-covered Audi kids car. Then they drove them through a crowd of brats and cell phone cameras, and put an ugly ass Ren Faire floral headband over each of their heads as terrifying giant penguins with mutant hips hovered above them. ROMANCE! I’m sure as soon as their hearts came back to their bodies after jumping out of their beaks from the horrifying sight of those Penguinzillas, they had a beautiful moment together as newlyweds. Or they shit on each other’s feet and the husband penguin stole the wife penguin’s fish (not a euphemism). ROMANCE: See it for yourself:
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! If we were in the first grade together, I’d save my favorite VD card, from the box of VD cards I bought at Thrifty’s Drugstore the night before, for you. Today is also the day when that one friend acts like they’re above this shit. You know, you wish them a Happy VD and they’re like, “Oh, my lovah and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. It’s a corporate holiday invented by Hallmark. Besides, we tell each other ‘I love you’ every single day and always buy each other flowers and gifts.” Oh, fuck off. Well then, Happy I Hope You Catch Your Lovah Fucking Your Best Friend On Your Side Of The Bed Day, bitch!