Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty looks about as clean as a subway rat’s torn off hemorrhoid floating in a Port-A-Potty toilet at the Gathering of the Juggalos, and yet he’s still in my Top 5 for reasons that are probably written down on my medical file at the free clinic. But even though I’m a disgusting piece of trash who may or may not have been known to put his retainer right back on after drunk barfing it out into a public toilet, I still wouldn’t let Dreamboat’s bare dick near me without injecting it with the cure from Contagion first. I’d also have to get a rat to nibble the cheese off and then I’d mummify it with condom shreds dipped it in Barbicide. But that’s just me and Dreamy’s ex-girlfriend Lindi Hingston is not like me. Lindi did it bareback-style with Dreamy and nine months later out popped a baby girl she named Aisling Doherty.
The South African model told the South African Sunday (via Daily Mail) that Aisling was born on Boxing Day of last year. Lindi called Dreamy when he was locked up in prison and told him that his son Astile now has a half-sister. Dreamy wants to visit Aisling, but he’s on probation right now and can’t leave the country. The worst part of all of this is what Dreamy said about the birth of Aisling. Dreamy said he was:
OVER THE MOON!!!!!
You know, I’m going to let that one slide, because Dreamy was probably hallucinating on (insert the name of any mind-altering substance here and you won’t be lying) and he was flying over the moon in his head.
The Daily Mail has pictures of young Aisling Doherty and she looks so pure and so innocent to the fact that her biological daddy is on The Health Department’s Most Wanted List. No, truthfully, I’m sure Dreamy will make a wonderful father. Dreamy will teach Aisling that if you never brush your teeth, you’ll have a four-course meal stuck in your molars. So when the the apocalypse hits, all of us will be starving while Dreamy will be eating a full meal off of his teeth. See, we can all learn something from Dreamy. Oh, Aisling, why so lucky?