I meant to cover this mess yesterday, but blacked it out (for obvious reasons) and remembered it again as I knocked the nightmare smegma balls from my eyes this morning. Sometime this morning, I had a life-ruining night terror where I was trapped in the body of Melania Trump and was on my way to dinner with Donald Trump and my Tia Lupita. My Tia Lupita never slapped me in the mouth for dragging her to dinner with Donald Trump and I didn’t even seem to mind that I was about to swallow food next to a talking hairy ass boil. It was just a terrifying sleeping experience and it was so horrific that my brain tried to cleanse itself of it by secreting sticky pus balls (Not Jizz. I wish). As I knocked them out with a Q-Tip this morning, I looked at that Q-Tip and it sort of reminded me of something. It reminded me of this Romanian model with a 20-inch waist!
The Sun (read: so it’s probably fake) talked to 30-year-old “model” Ioana Spangenberg who can wear a cock ring as a belt and who can keep a hula hoop up without moving her body. “The Human Hourglass” claims that her 20-inch waist came to her naturally after puberty. Ioana eats chocolate, chips and huge meals all day and her waist still stays pinched like that. It’s Iona’s metabolism, obviously. Bitch’s metabolism is so crazy that it even ate her stomach. Ioana tells The Sun that she always self-conscious about her body, but she began to embrace the skinny after she met her husband:
“When I was 13 my waist was around 15 inches. Someone could put their hands around it, their fingers would touch and they would still have extra room. In Romania it is better to be overweight, because that means you are from a wealthy family. So while my friends were going out and dating, I was sitting at home with Mars bars wishing I could fatten up.
Jan [her husband] was the first person who saw me as beautiful and encouraged me to celebrate my body. He asked me to pose in some photos for him. He was so impressed he put them online and the response was amazing. I would still like to gain weight so I don’t look so shocking — and now that I live in Germany I can’t get enough pizza or kebabs. But I’m finally comfortable in my own skin.”
Ioana doesn’t mention any kind of corset training and I just can’t believe that her internal organs naturally migrated into her ass. I bet if Ioana swallows a pea, you’d hear it free fall down her body before popping out of her crotch since there’s no organs in the way waiting to digest it. I just want to wear her as a bow tie.
And if you’re still squinting at that picture while thinking to yourself that it should get a Photoshop and a Fun House Mirror Award, here’s Ioana’s hourglass body in action:
Protip: Do not go to skinnyfans.com unless you want to be knocking slimy nightmare balls out of your eyes next to me in the bathroom.