The official speaker of the House of Death Eaters was guest editor for the day at Metro’s Paris office and that means you better curl around his pristine white shoes, because he’s dropping words of 14 karat kunt wisdom about everything from Adele’s voluptuousness to how Lana Del Rey is basically a beautiful singing breast implant. As Metro’s interns went out into the wild to catch teenage models for Kunty Karl to kill the dreams of for lunch (it fills him more than eating every will), the former fatty turned HVIC (head vampire in charge) had some shit to say about all sorts of topics:
On the sedated animatronic mannequin Lana Del Rey and how Adele needs to chase the pavement until it leads her to a Jenny Craig: “I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She’s not alone with implants.”
On how the men in Russia offend his zombie eyes: “If I was a woman in Russia I would be a lesbian, as the men are very ugly. There are a few handsome ones, like Naomi Campbell’s boyfriend, but there you see the most beautiful women and the most horrible men.”
On M.I.A.’s middle finger: “Nowadays people give the middle finger quite quickly – it’s not the best behavior. Everybody does that, what’s new about that? It’s just become a bad habit. People in magazines are 50% bimbo and 50% pregnant women.”
On how Michelle Obama’s face is made of magic: “Yes he does, especially because of Mrs. Obama. I’m a big fan of Mrs. Obama – and her face, I think, is magical. He would not be there without her. Mrs. Obama is not a fashion statement, but she has other things to do. My favorite thing about Mrs Obama was when she was asked if her skirt was not too tight and she answered “Why you don’t like my big black ass?” I want [Barack] Obama to win because there is nothing better anyway, and especially because of her.”
On how you will never find him in a voting booth unless a virgin maiden he happened to be chasing ran in there to hide: “I never voted in my life. I will never vote. I know too much about politics from what’s going on backstage. To vote you have to believe all that garbage that they promise you, and they can’t keep those promises. If someone gave me an Obama pin, I would just put it on.”
So if you’re walking through a dark alley in Paris late at night and you hear a German cackle rushing up behind you, you better hope that you’re a fat, knocked up, Russian male bimbo whose middle finger is always erect, because Kunty Karl won’t dare feed on your ass.