Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 3, 2012 / Posted by:

Jemima Packington, the world’s only known Asparamancer who makes predictions by tossing asparagus (not a euphemism) into the air and then reads the shapes they form after they’ve landed. The Miss Cleo of vegetables, who sort of looks like if Roseanne played Professor Trelawney in that Harry Potter shit, has been making predictions for years and she accurately predicted the fall of Gordon Brown, the credit crisis and The King’s Speech winning Oscars. Jemima tells This Is Somerset that she inherited the gift of reading plants and shit from her great auntie who used to read tea leaves:

“It might sound silly to some people but my readings are very accurate. I have been doing readings using asparagus since I was eight years old. My great aunt read tea leaves and I have inherited her gift.”

For 2012, the asparagus told her that the Euro will crash (duh), two British Royal baby friends will be born (pleasepleaseplease let one of those babies be Prince Hot Ginge and Layla Flaherty’s) and a high-profile Brit will become one with death.

Jemima the Asparamancer (“Asparamancer” is also what you call someone who likes to read love poems and play love songs on their ukulele to asparagus) doesn’t do private readings, but she will be showing off her skills at the British Asparagus Festival on April 23rd. I don’t need to throw some asparagus up into the air to predict that the toilets at that festival will be nothing but puddles of plastic and misery by the end of the day.

via The Hairpin

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