Dear Demi Moore, White Oprah Wants Her Act Back

February 3, 2012 / Posted by:

Just a few days before the spirit of a 13-year-old skater boy from the Midwest possessed Demi Moore’s body and made her nitrous her way to a seizure, she was partying next to her daughter Rumer Willis in the VIP section at the dick cake party Miley Cyrus threw for her piece. Demi is officially that divorced mom who crashes her kid’s birthday party in the basement and hands all the boys bottles of Mike’s Hard Lemonade before ripping off her Juicy Couture hoodie to shake her concrete titty balls to a Lil’ Wayne song. If you took away the whole “murdering her husband” thing, bitch would be Nicole Kidman in To Die For.

TMZ says that at Miley’s party, Demi guzzled down Red Bull after Red Bull like those cans had the jizz of eternal youth in them. Demi partied with Rumer and her friends in the VIP section before leaving at around midnight. Some source says that Demi is wrapping her thighs around her fading youth and refuses to let go. A different source tells People that even Bruce Willis knew Demi was fucked up in a sad way and tried to get her help before she snipped Ashton Kutcher’s leash.

When you’re a 49-year-old woman partying it up with your daughter at a club and you’ve got a can of bull piss in your hand while your eyes are watching Miley Cyrus lick the pube beads on a dick cake, somebody needs to tell your ass that this is what rock bottom of a mid-life crisis looks like and you need to stop. Now, I’m not saying that partying with your kids is wrong. I’ve partied with some of my aunties and it’s usually the best. They buy all the drinks and they designate themselves as the responsible driver. They also have your back when you have to punch your way through the bathroom line to drunk barf into the sink. But what they don’t do is ruin the damn party by overdosing on whip-its. I swear, Demi should leave that kind of behavior to White Oprah. Get your own mid-life crisis, Demi!

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