It’s going to be 60 degrees in NYC today, RiRi has publicly turned her back on the Illuminati, Rutgers is offering a Beyonce course and now there’s a chance that the Pfizer recall has officially become a disaster to humanity because SNOOKI MIGHT BE SPAWNING! As the 20th century’s greatest philosophers Bill & Ted once said: “Strange things are afoot at the Circle K!”
The respectable journal of truthiness Star Magazine tells us that in a few months a living creature will call Snooki its mommy. You can go ahead and cancel Groundhog Day tomorrow, because that Punxsutawney Phil bitch ain’t coming out since he’s digging his way to hell as I type this shit. Star’s source says that Snooki and her midget hulk of a boyfriend Jionni smushed a baby into her womb and she’s telling everybody about it.
“She is pregnant and has only told her closest friends and some family. She’s been telling people that she has a big announcement coming.”
This is good news for the makers of the first ever tanning bed crib. This also good news for Planet Earth who are assembling their bravest camera crew yet to capture the world’s first known birth of a Hulk/Ewok hybrid. Everybody else is fucked, because little Pickole Vodkotta LaValle will devour our world’s supply of pickles and taint our jacuzzis.
Oh well, we should all still meet in front of the cave Snooki will give birth in, because there’s no way she’s going to let a little thing called “pregnancy” get in the way of her drinking gallons of the sweet nectar every night. That placenta is going to be 100+ proof! PLACENTA SHOTS FOR EVERYONE!