Archives: February 2012

The Photoshop Awards: Patti Stanger’s Sensa Ad

February 29, 2012 / Posted by:

re·al·i·ty [ree-al-i-tee]
1. the state or quality of being real.
2. resemblance to what is real.
3. something the hos at Sensa need to find a way to turn into crystal form so they can shove it down their mouth holes in ladle fulls, because this is some shit.

This Sensa ad from Star Magazine as scanned by Jezebel is supposed to be that crazy hamster-looking bitch Patti Stanger aka The Millionaire Matchmaker showing off her AMAZING new body. This isn’t Patti Stanger’s body. This isn’t a human’s body. This is the body of a knock-off Bratz doll at the 99 Cent store that nobody buys. For three seconds there, I thought this was an action figure based on one of those Shahs of Sunset tricks.

Sensa is supposed to stop your will to eat delicious food when you sprinkle it on your nightly dinner of a deep fried Philly cheesesteak. But if whoever put this ad together uses it, then it obviously stops your brain’s will to think. The makers of Sensa need some sensa knocked into them. Who at Sensa thought this ad looked like anything but shameless fuckery? This is some Promise of a New Day shit.

You don’t even need to buy Sensa to lose some chunk. The next time you get the urge to swallow a cheeseburger whole, just look at this ad and you’ll laugh so hard that your brain will forget you’re hungry. You won’t want to put anything in your mouth when you’re too busy blowing LOLs out of it.

And for comparision, here’s a few pictures of Patti in real life with Marc Bouwer at The Heart Truth’s Red Dress Collection show in NYC on February 8th. Oh shit, maybe it’s Marc Bouwer’s body in that jacked up ad above. They should’ve given his ass credit.

George Clooney Doesn’t Give A Shit If He You Think He Likes Peen

February 29, 2012 / Posted by:

The first time I heard a George Clooney gay rumor was during his E.R. days and a friend told me that his friend’s friend’s favorite bartender’s cousin’s stepmother’s pussy waxer’s hairdresser’s priest’s fuck buddy’s friend once heard that George was caught making out with another dude in one of the hallways on The Facts of Life set. In my mind, I pictured that Charlotte Rae caught George and she watched for a few seconds, softly stroking her pearls before she broke it up with a yard stick. Since then, I’ve heard all sorts of shit about George’s gayness from how he keeps a kept trick in Italy to how he’s a lifelong beard collector to how he hired Germany’s finest butt dildo maker to craft a replica of Michael Fassbender’s peen using only stills from Shame. Okay, that last one I heard from one of the voices inside of my head, but it’s been right before. Anyway, The Advocate (via People) asked George about all the gay rumors and he’s not about to confirm or deny that shit:

I think it’s funny, but the last thing you’ll ever see me do is jump up and down, saying, “These are lies!” That would be unfair and unkind to my good friends in the gay community. I’m not going to let anyone make it seem like being gay is a bad thing. My private life is private, and I’m very happy in it. Who does it hurt if someone thinks I’m gay? I’ll be long dead and there will still be people who say I was gay. I don’t give a shit.

If George is a citizen of closet city and wants to stay that way, he gave a good answer. If George doesn’t get a craving for foreskin on his tongue, he gave a good answer. The bitch gives good answer, I’ll give him that. And George sleeping with a lock of Brad Pitt’s hair under his cheek every night (which he so does) isn’t totally gay, but it is totally sucio.

Afternoon Crumbs

February 29, 2012 / Posted by:

The Los Angeles Police Department’s top priority should be investigating the robbery of Molly Ringwald’s old wardrobe by Vanessa HudgensPopoholic

GOOP + Reese Witherspoon + Beyonce + Cameron Diaz = death by popcorn suffocation – Lainey Gossip

“FUCK DAT BITCH REESE 4 USEING MY NAME TO STAY RELAVINT. hhahhaah glad i culd help bitch” – @chrisbrownThe Superficial

How many damn trailers does The Avengers need? – Towleroad

Jessica Chastain might be the new Catherine Zeta-JonesCelebitchy

But for why is Jaime Pressly’s son dressed like my vato cousin going to Tommy’s Burgers? – Hollywood Tuna

Jennifer Lawrence in Glamour UK - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

32 kinds of awwws - The Berry

Boooooring is Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck naming their son Samuel Garner Affleck. Don’t they care about the people out there who have nothing better to do than make fun of bizarre fucking celebrity baby names? How selfish. – ICYDK

Sunday Rose is looking very Secret Garden - Just Jared

And I’m sure Angie Jolie’s turkey leg will be on next month’s cover of Vogue Turkey - Popsugar

One Million Moms needs to eat one million dicks – The Daily What

Well, at least Katy Perry wouldn’t have to laser off that “I Heart Russell” tattoo from her ass lips – Celebslam

Proof that every time the Star Spangled Banner needs to be sung, they should just play Nippy’s version and let a Whitney Houston drag queen lip synch it – Crunk + Disorderly

When can I hear this whiny ho’s thoughts on Daylight Savings Time? – Videogum

LiLo and JWoww must be using the same face butcher – Cityrag

MARGARITA MOUSSE??????!!!!!!???? How do I get that in me? – Hollywood Rag

Like a cheerful ray of sunshine - I’m Not Obsessed

(Picture via FameFlynet)

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Open Post: Hosted By JLo’s Cock Cup

February 29, 2012 / Posted by:

V Magazine should hand hug their butt cheeks something special today, because they’ve earned it. They have achieved the impossible by finding the secret ingredient in making a JLo photo shoot more than tolerable: a red patent leather diaper with an extra hung cock up! For about five seconds I completely forgot that JLo is one gigantic desperate butt cheek full of stank narcissism and saw her as a hot papi chulo with tits! This is what this bitch should’ve looked like in Enough. What a difference a pair of razor brows and a stuffed boxing diaper makes. No wonder Casper Smart quit his preschool’s hip hop dance troupe to get with JLo.

I bet JLo’s horseshoe bulge in that picture is what Ryan Seacret’s glitter hole looks like when it flares up during mating season. Speaking of Seacrest, it’s going to be awk and ward on the American Idol set when JLo strolls into his dressing room without knocking to borrow some butt numbing cream and finds him scooting all over these pictures. Toby taught Seacrest well.

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Davy Jones Has Passed Away

February 29, 2012 / Posted by:

That sound you hear is Marcia Brady’s world crashing down around her, because her one true soulmate has taken the last train to Heavensville. Davy Jones (that’s Davy Jones of The Monkees for those of you fetus people who didn’t watch episodes of The Monkees on an analog TV while getting carpet burns from lying on the shag rug) died from a heart attack at his home in Florida this morning. Davy was only 66.

Davy Jones started his career begging for fake porridge as the Artful Dodger in a London production of Oliver! and he went on to star in the Broadway production as well. Davy did some TV shit after that, but he really started making polyester panties drop when he was cast in The Monkees in 1965. The Monkees was canceled in 1968, but it forever lives on in re-runs watched by hos like myself who thought for the longest time that The Monkees were the younger brothers of The Beatles. I ate window flies as a child, so that explains things.

Davy is survived by his wife Jessica and his 4 daughters.

If this news wasn’t tragic enough, I Googled “Davy Jones” and 90% of the pictures were of that tentacle-faced douche Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean. It’s ALWAYS too soon for that kind of Google foolery.

Rest in peace, Davy. You are hip shimmying with the angels now.

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Lindsay Lohan Somehow Moves Her Face In SNL Promos

February 29, 2012 / Posted by:

NBC should’ve gotten Elvira to introduce these promos for this weekend’s Saturday Night Live, because Lindsay Lohan’s face looks like the fire scene from House of Wax. The positive news is that LiLo showed up on time (I think), memorized her lines (I think) and didn’t freebase hand soap in the bathroom (I think). The other news is: HER FACE. Lindsay Lohan’s face is one thing in still pictures, but seeing it in motion is another. I don’t know if she’s storing crack rocks in her cheeks for the weekend or if she’s trying to live within her means by injecting her face with Fix-A-Flat instead of Juvederm. Whatever it is she needs to hit the brakes on that shit.

I am also well aware that she’s got a little coke bloat (or her face is going through changes as she downs meds to keep her off the bad shit), but she needs to stop fucking with her face, because her mug looks tighter than a butt virgin’s b-hole. Wait. When LiLo gets a moment, can she pass me the name of her illegal back alley surgeon, because I have something that needs tightening…..

Here’s a few pictures of LiLo leaving a restaurant in NYC last night. Is Lifetime sure about this Elizabeth Taylor thing? Because LiLo looks like she’s ready to play current day Brigitte Bardot or current day Linda Hogan, but not La Liz.

Tim Tebow And Taylor Swift Went On A Date

February 29, 2012 / Posted by:

File this under: Rick Santorum’s answer to Brangelina (sorry, Duggars) has been found.

This is one of those gross things that I never saw coming, but should’ve seen coming, because it is a match made in wholesome boring Aryan heaven. Both Celebuzz and Clevver News say earth’s only direct connection to Jesus, Tim Tebow, and the American Anne of Green Gables, Taylor Swift, went out to dinner together on Monday night after meeting at a pre-Oscar party last week. I can try to use all of my brain’s energy to come up with a couple name for these two, but it’s easier and more fitting just to call them: UGH!!!!!

Celebuzz says that Taylor skipped up to Tim at WME’s pre-Oscar party on Sunday night and started talking to him for over an hour. Talking to Taylor for over an hour would make me Tebow right over a toilet, but he was obviously into that shit, because he took her out for dinner on Monday night. Clevver News says that Taylor and Tim skipped into Century City’s Toscanova restaurant and sat with a small group. Tim and Taylor didn’t leave together, but he walked her out like the true gentlemen that he is. GROSS!

You know, some bitches have been trying to tell me that Tim Teblowjob is as gay as the image of me ordering a pouf from Cb2 (or the image of me dancing to an Atomic Kitten song in the shower while soaping myself up with a turquoise puff full of strawberry-scented body wash), but he never made me fart out a rainbow until now. Dating Taylor Swift is to gaydars as the cast of Jersey Shore is to breathalyzers. Taylor can make a gaydar overload and explode. Nothing says “I LOVE TO GARGLE ON A PEEN HEAD” like “dating” Renee Zellweger-in-training Taylor Swift.

The Unborn Baby Ewok In Snooki’s Womb Is Ruining The Creative Integrity Of Her Shit Show

February 29, 2012 / Posted by:

Enfamil immediately stopped production of their new White Russian version of their formula after who would’ve been their #1 customer, Snooki, denied that her midget Hulk boyfriend Jionni LaValle smushed a baby up into her. The Rapture was canceled and we were all told it was safe to go outside again, or so we thought. Page Six says that Snooki’s booze sponge of a womb IS full of baby and she denied it because she was in the middle of trying to whore out the news for a dollar to the tabloids. The Rapture is back on, Enfamil can start up the conveyor belt again and we can tell the children that they’re going to be the last of our kind since the world will soon end when roidy orange gremlin babies eat our entire supply of booze.

P6′s source says that UsWeekly paid for the news and will put it on one of their upcoming covers as soon as they get creative approval from Lucifer since that issue will also become the new bible in Hell. Another source says that although Snooki being knocked the hell up is good news for her checking account, it’s bad news for the MTV reality show she’s shooting in Jersey City with JWoww (see pictures below) right now. The source put it like this:

“MTV went into crisis mode after they found out. They’re trying to hide it because it would greatly affect the creative direction of the show. ”

The “creative direction” of any MTV show leads us all directly to the bottom of a dumpster and I don’t see how that shit has to change. The only difference is that instead of giving Snooki a plastic trash can full of economy-sized booze jugs from Costco and a tanning bed, they just have to give her TWO plastic trash cans full of economy-sized booze jugs from Costco and an extra-strength tanning bed since she’s boozing and tanning for two now.

News like this calls for a song from Snooki’s native land! Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-we’re fucked.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For February 28th!

February 29, 2012 / Posted by:

“With this crocodile skin and smashed beaver, I’m sure to win the Kim Catrall look-a-like contest!” – cs182

Runners-up:

OH! I thought you said my drunk-ass beaver was gonna be riding some hard cock. – dirtybear7

“Yes, Senator Santorum, we’re very proud of your new Photoshop skills. We just . . . we just don’t think it’s right for your Presidential campaign.” - CJD

It is said, “If the groundhog sees rock bottom, that means, six more weeks of A.A.” – SANS FARDS

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