The Whole Family’s Going To Therapy

In a court room in L.A. yesterday, a judge watched as two pretty faces slowly contorted into every layer of crazy as Gabriel Aubrey and Halle Berryberrycrazee tried to turn down their own insanity while discussing the custody of their daughter Nahla. A hearing was called last week after Nahla’s nanny accused Gabriel of pushing her during an argument. Halle asked the court to temporarily take away Gabriel’s visitation rights until the whole “nanny beating” thing cleared up. The judge didn’t do that, but after a long ass meditation hearing, they all agreed to do the following:

– Gabriel will go to anger management classes where he’ll learn that every time he feels like he wants to rage at a trick, he needs to stop, drop his panties and roll on over to the nearest webcam to give all of us a show.

– Halle will continue her own therapy sessions, or she’ll be framed for Gabriel’s death and will be forced to spend the rest of her life in an insane asylum with an ugly-fied Penelope Cruz in a jacked up wig.

– Halle and Gabriel will regularly meet with a third party to calmly talk about how they should raise their child. The third party will be given one of those Hunger Games suicide pills just in case their sanity can’t take facing a two-headed beast of lunacy.

– 3-year-old Nahla will also go to counseling.

– Gabriel wants the nanny fired, but the judge didn’t make any decisions about that.

TMZ’s source (who TOTALLY doesn’t have the name Halle Berry in their BlackBerry under “client”) claims that Gabriel was an uncooperative cunt plug during the entire hearing and getting him to agree to the stuff above was like pulling KFed away from the snack table.

It’s nice that the judge is trying to work with them and everything, but does anybody really believe that these two nut bags will calmly discuss anything without trying to gnaw each other’s pretty faces off? It’s always the pretty ones, right? This is why sometimes it’s best to go home with the ugly bitch at the bar. Sure, sucking on a pretty face is more fun, but you’ll also run the risk of waking up to them screaming about how they hear a baby forming in your gut and they’re going to take you to court for custody. Just slip Halle and Gabriel in a his and hers straitjacket, throw them in padded room and let that sand shovel raise Nahla instead. I mean, Nahla is looking at it like, “Yeah, you’ll make a good mom.”

Here’s Halle, Nahla and Olivier Martinez playing on the beach this past weekend.