Demi Moore Is Basically A 15-Year-Old Skater Who Lives In Her Parent’s Garage

January 27, 2012 / Posted by:

So far (and according to the media), Demi Moore’s medical file reads like that of a high school asshole whose idea of a good time is huffing from gas tanks before fingering his girlfriend in the bathroom of a Hardee’s during his break. Because Demi apparently gets hungry for the sweet nectar, whip-its, Adderall AND Red Bull. TMZ is hearing that long before Demi whipped her way to a seizure, she ate Red Bull for breakfast, Red Bull for lunch and Red Bull for dinner. For 10 years, Demi has been obsessively riding the Red Bull daily, but some source says that in the past few weeks she’s been replacing food with Red Bull. I think I speak for AssStain Kutcher and all of the Willis daughters when I say, MOM, you’re embarrassing me!

Someone from Red Bull tells TMZ that Demi is so hard up for that nasty shit that they regularly deliver shipments to her home. A different source says that when Demi was partying it up with Tater Head recently, she kept booze out of her mouth, but kept her tongue in a Red Bull all night long.

Red Bull, really, Demi? RED? BULL? The period blood of an actual bull probably tastes better than Red Bull. You know when you’re making out with some nasty drunk and he burps out a vomit-infused burp cloud into your mouth? That’s what Red Bull tastes like. I wouldn’t be giving Demi shit if TMZ says she was addicted to underground Four Loko, or if she was caught buying homemade PURPLE DRANK from Brit Brit’s Cheetolings in the back room of their playhouse. But I just can’t with her Red Bull addiction. What’s next? We’re going to see Demi on an episode of True Life: I’m Addicted to XBox360? I bet Demi’s bedroom windows are covered in tinfoil and she uses Transformers bed sheets as curtains.

I’m sad that nobody told Demi that the adult way of handling a divorce from a total douchebag is to fuck the pain away. When you’re down and out, let the teaches of Peaches guide you.

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