Tim Gunn Hasn’t Been Laid Since Reagan Was In Office

January 25, 2012 / Posted by:

If you’re 29 years old or younger, then I’m not sure how you’ll feel knowing that through your entire life Tim Gunn never made it work all over a pair of greasy man nalgas. Not once. Tim Gunn closed up his downtown fuck shop (both locations) 29 years ago, swallowed the key and isn’t planning a grand reopening anytime soon. Tim said on his show The Revolution (via UsWeekly) yesterday that he went celibate after a boyfriend screwed him up emotionally by putting him down while impatiently waiting for his dick to rise (at least I think that’s what Tim is trying to say).

“I haven’t had sex in 29 years. Do I feel like less of a person for it? No. Not even remotely.

It’s very personal. I was in a very intense relationship for a long time. And my partner ended it, saying that, quite frankly, he was impatient with my sexual performance.

I’m a perfectly fulfilled person, but it’s very physiological. I have feelings. It’s not as though I’m some barren forest. I don’t want to imply to anyone that I have a mandate that says no sex. I don’t. I don’t know what’s around the corner.”

I know this might be hard for some of you 24-hour slut whore tramp skanks to understand, but sex it not the be-all and end-all for some people. And yes, I know what your slut mind just imagined when you read “end-all.” I did too. But for some, happiness is not a hard dick or a warm cooch. Mind boggling, I know. And yes, I know what your slut mind just imagined when you read “mind boggling.” I did too. We really have to stop watching clips on Brazzers at the same time.

Tim seems happy, even though he hasn’t had any of his parts around a peen for THREE DECADES, and that’s the only thing that matters. But I bet Tim finds ways to get his. I bet that every now and again he slips on a harness made of Brooks Brothers suspenders and makes a trick (wearing a mask of his ex-partner’s face) lick the bottom of his oxford loafer like his bitch.

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