Joan Rivers vs. Chelsea Handler

The Howard Stern show hosted the latest bitch battle royale between Chelsea Handler and Joan Rivers when he had both of them on his show (on different days) this week. Chelsea slapped a trick first on Monday when she said that Joan Rivers was a bitch to her at some event. Howard brought up Chelsea’s slight stab when Joan was on his show yesterday morning, and several pounds of Botox melted off of her face as she flamed out her response:

“Number one, the girl made it on her back fucking the president, we all know that, of the network. Number two, she’s fine, she’s ordinary. She’s not a genius. She’s an ordinary girl that was fucking somebody high up in the industry and they gave her a break and she’s doing okay

Whatever she is, she’s a drunk. I don’t wish her good luck, I don’t wish her bad luck. I don’t think she’s particularly funny. But don’t you come after me, you whore!”

I’m conflicted. Chelsea Handler is made of 95% vodka and 5% dehydrated foreskins and I like vodka and I like foreskins. If I was ever stranded on an island, I’d want Chelsea with me, because you know that whore can piss out a martini before you can finish yelling SQUAT! But then there’s Joan. After watching her documentary, I have respect for Joan (and I don’t even have respect for myself) and she can make me laugh just by calling a drunk whore a drunk whore. So I cannot choose a side at this time. Actually, I’m on Team GTFOMelissa. Melissa is not a drunk, she’s not a whore (dating the president of a porn company doesn’t count), she doesn’t make me laugh when she calls a drunk whore a drunk whore and she didn’t even fuck her way to the top. Melissa slid out of the right vagina to the top middle.

via Jezebel