Joan Rivers vs. Chelsea Handler
The Howard Stern show hosted the latest bitch battle royale between Chelsea Handler and Joan Rivers when he had both of them on his show (on different days) this week. Chelsea slapped a trick first on Monday when she said that Joan Rivers was a bitch to her at some event. Howard brought up Chelsea's slight stab when Joan was on his show yesterday morning, and several pounds of Botox melted off of her face as she flamed out her response:
“Number one, the girl made it on her back fucking the president, we all know that, of the network. Number two, she’s fine, she’s ordinary. She’s not a genius. She’s an ordinary girl that was fucking somebody high up in the industry and they gave her a break and she’s doing okay
Whatever she is, she’s a drunk. I don’t wish her good luck, I don’t wish her bad luck. I don’t think she’s particularly funny. But don’t you come after me, you whore!”
I'm conflicted. Chelsea Handler is made of 95% vodka and 5% dehydrated foreskins and I like vodka and I like foreskins. If I was ever stranded on an island, I'd want Chelsea with me, because you know that whore can piss out a martini before you can finish yelling SQUAT! But then there's Joan. After watching her documentary, I have respect for Joan (and I don't even have respect for myself) and she can make me laugh just by calling a drunk whore a drunk whore. So I cannot choose a side at this time. Actually, I'm on Team GTFOMelissa. Melissa is not a drunk, she's not a whore (dating the president of a porn company doesn't count), she doesn't make me laugh when she calls a drunk whore a drunk whore and she didn't even fuck her way to the top. Melissa slid out of the right vagina to the top middle.
via Jezebel
Submitted by Dog on Wed, 01/25/2012 - 3:28pm.
I can't decide who's uglier: Joan, Chelsea or Howard
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howard, chelsea then joan, in that order.
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Cure for cramps: weed. Weed for everything, really.- Bjork You
"Don't you come after me, you whore." I love this.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with Joan. CH is not funny and she only got her gig because she was screwing the head honcho for all those years. I have no respect for people who get ahead that way.
TEAM JOAN she is the OG, pioneer potty mouth unapologetic trailblazer.
CH is so full of herself, laughs at her own jokes (before finishing the delivery) and is crispy.
Melissa wouldn't have a job if it weren't for her mother - just like Martha Stewarts ugly spawn.
TEAM JOAN all the way!!!!!! She's right about Chelsea being just ok. Nothing special but Joan is a legend and could eat Handler for breakfast.
@tinyhands, no you are not the only one. I haven't checked back but I did mention that I "abwhored" fucking Melissa. She might be the best daughter but I can't abide by a bitch being everywhere her mother is. AT EVERY JOB! She's not as funny so she should try and do something on her own [don't really care though ;)]
As for Chelsea, I do enjoy some of her fucked up comedy. I could give a fuck who she schtooped to get where she is. Whatevs. That's punishment enough! Imagine blowing some wrinkly network exec peen!!! [no offense to the elderly, of course] YEAH she's put in her time, haha. But when she starts asking some cringe-worthy questions OF ALL HER GUESTS, I barf. Or some terribly unPC shit she says. But yeah, she's tolerable - harmless even. At least her guests seem to be enjoying the crap she spews. Like all other comedians... anything for a laugh. Some jokes work & some don't. ;/
"The only money shot you'll get is a load of tears to the face." MK
Generation: Where do I click?
one last comment and back to work my little pretties
Let's thank who paved the way for ALL these bitches...if I recall, the first "real" gritty woman comedian was PHYLLIS DILLER, am I right???
and the Godmother of comedy LUCILLE BALL
GOOD DAY. SEE YOU IN THE PLAYGROUND TOMORROW
"FRIDAY FLIP UP DAY" (WEAR YOUR SKIRTS)
"Shut up, bitch - it hurts to be beautiful" - Richie K. 2005
Oh, I see I am the minority bitch slut in the room - I of course always write emotional, knee jerk reaction after reading article but BEFORE I read other comments. I still remain TEAM CHELSEA. But then again I go against the grain as I am flamboyant individual. And that bitch (CH)IS funny because she makes me LOLz all the time and NOBODY makes me LOL (from TV at least), she's a cock wrangler
"Shut up, bitch - it hurts to be beautiful" - Richie K. 2005
I remember how Joan Rivers bounced back after that prick Johnny Carson chose Jay Leno over her to host "The Tonight Show." She had been hosting his show when he was on vacation, shit like that, and she maintained (even surpassed?) the usual ratings when Carson was on; plus she had mad experience. And this was when poor Liz Taylor was in her fat/sober/Larry Fortensky stage; she wasn't looking her best. Joan ragged on that woman! But what a man's world comedy is, which is why I want to root for Chelsea, even when she's not that funny, but she's too much of an asshole for me.
Whoa Joan! Wait just a minute card carrying AARP member -- by the time Chelsea turns into YOU, you'll be dead and gone! And if I recall, when you got your shitty little show when FOX started up (your first guest was David Lee Roth??? WTF?)in 19fucking88 people said you were fucking Johnny Carson...so don't even GO there. Joan, you may have dementia, but I don't. Chelsea ROCKS, she's for TODAY'S woman that like raunchy humor. When was the last time YOU were relevant, Joan? Yeah, that's what I thought. you go back to dissing people with ugly clothes, that's what you do. I said GOOD DAY hagatha
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"Shut up, bitch - it hurts to be beautiful" - Richie K. 2005
Submitted by TelevisedRevolution on Thu, 01/26/2012 - 12:21am.
Team Joan because if it's funny, she'll do it. She's got serious work ethics, and it's hard out there for a Bitch.
Chelsea Handler is like the woman at the office party who is cracking jokes. You might listen to her for a while and you might even laugh, but pretty soon you'll wander off to the bar and you won't be back.
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So true. She's nasty, too.
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin on Thu, 01/26/2012 - 6:39am.
Don't go up against Joan, you drunken bitch whore because you'll lose every. time.
I cannot stand Chelsea. She is hateful, racist and lies about her age. There's no way in hell she's 30 something with that 50 miles of bad road unfortunate face of hers. But then again, a steady diet of vodka will do that, right?
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I agree.
You GO, Joanie!!
I'm with Team Joan on this one.
Chelsea just to be on on the VH1 shows making quips and yea the head honcho thought she was hot and she went for it and got her show and the rest is history.
So Joan has a point. Fuck of Chelsea. Too much people are saying the same shit about you.
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
OMG, it isn't even close! Joan's a living legend.
Team Joan.
Joan will be 80 (!!!) next year, so she's earned the right to say whatever she wants. Team Joan!
that was funny! i'm with joan!
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"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." --
Roseanne Barr
Don't go up against Joan, you drunken bitch whore because you'll lose every. time.
I cannot stand Chelsea. She is hateful, racist and lies about her age. There's no way in hell she's 30 something with that 50 miles of bad road unfortunate face of hers. But then again, a steady diet of vodka will do that, right?
My brother once wrote Joan a letter telling her how much he liked her. Joan invited him to her show in Las Vegas where he lives. She paid for everything AND had a bottle of champagne waiting at his table for him! Can never forget that! Team Joan!
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www.dungeonhordes.com
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Fuck gonna be late, but came looking for SOMETHING to break the stalemate on moving at all cuz Demi Moore you are enough to make any ho cry her eyes out for the lost opportunities. See smart hos do not f'n waste what you are wasting.
OT Joan Rivers started to lose my admiration when I saw her remove all of Melissa's furniture and replace it with her memaw westchester taste that her mother admired. Holy hell how Melissa puts up with Joan is unknown to me. I think Melissa has wonderful friends, is a wonderful friend and is a genuine person.
Back to Joan has made me so happy with this bitch rant on Chelsea Handler who is the biggest female chauvinist pig in the world. Handler could not be setting a worse example for women of how to do life. Joan does set a great example. Not my taste always but full of LIFE!
TEAM Joan Rivers!!!!
"Doc, I don't want to fly anymore"
No doubt, team Joan.
This is no contest...
Team Joan all the way!
Chelsea can't get mad for calling it like EVERYONE blessed with the gift of sight can see. Chelsea fucked her way to a network slot with her slit. Before that she was a bit player on 'Girls Behaving Badly', and she was a bit player for a REASON. Joan Rivers is a legend in comedy and there is hardly another woman alive or dead that can claim otherwise to her longevity in this business UNAIDED by her cha cha abilities.
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We (HEART) Joan!
Meh...I find both of them unfunny cunts. I adore cunt humour but somehow these two are just cunts. Without being funny or anything.
I used to love when Joan would guest host for Johnny when I was a kid. And I too remember the Karen Carpenter joke. I will have to check the Louie epi where he bangs Joan. I recently downloaded all the seasons.
@Whamo - I think Joan actually probably approves of Melissa marrying the Porn King. He's probably loaded and Joan never married anyone po' either, so Joan, full well knowing Melissa has no talent and an unused college degree, probably encouraged Melissa to marry that dude (and he's no prize either in the looks department btw). And Joan planned and styled Melissa's wedding anyway I think (too lazy to google, sorry).
Team Joan! Rivers came up the hard way in a sexist Industry. Handler just fucked the right guy at E!
Joan is a hard working legend who deserves respect. Handler is a drunk. BRAVO JOAN for keeping it real.
Team Joan because if it's funny, she'll do it. She's got serious work ethics, and it's hard out there for a Bitch.
Chelsea Handler is like the woman at the office party who is cracking jokes. You might listen to her for a while and you might even laugh, but pretty soon you'll wander off to the bar and you won't be back.
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I could not for the life of me account for Handler's career success (she is unfunny and untalented in the extreme), but now it all makes perfect sense. She boned Ted Harbert for years! And all the TV series and books and crap are her reward!
I wonder if the equally talentless Whitney Cummings has done something similar. Would explain a lot. I mean, I already know the awful Blake Lively (who I think has serviced Anna Wintour) and everyone else on Gossip Girl have followed this plan with some success.
Joan is ABSOLUTELY right!
Chelsea isn't very well educated or interested in the world and it shows in her "comedy." She relies on old standard stereotypes (ie Southerners are dumb, etc.) and brings nothing insightful, interesting, or FUNNY to her "comedy." She can't even READ a teleprompter without tripping all over her words. She is, as Joan said, on a GOOD day "AVERAGE."
Submitted by Sandbitch on Wed, 01/25/2012 - 11:19pm.
Joan Rivers without make-up is very twilight zone episode "eye of the beholder":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nbF_iQ5l7Q&feature=related
Only, Joan 'accepted' the 'change'. :(
This is the white girl comedian version of Lil' Kim vs. Nicki Minaj. Team Joan over the gimmicky Handler bullshit.
I've had two visual shocks in the last 24 hours. One was Joan Rivers without makeup...
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/01/25/article-0-1171E10E000005DC-970...
The other was Katie Holmes' hooded penis bellybutton.
http://celebrity-gossip.net/sites/default/files/imagecache/fullsize_imag...
I don't like either one of them. Joan is an old hag who has one butt ugly daughter.
I've read and loved a few of Chelsea's books. I'm not sure if she can actually take credit for writing them, but they're hilarious.
Her show: not so much. She always fucks up her monologue and seems either tired or drunk. Her shtick is that she's mean, which isn't even a shtick since this is likely her true character. The only thing I can thank her for is Loni Love.
Also, she always looks like she rolled put of bed with her greasy hair and tattered Old Navy rags. Chelsea smells. There's no doubt about it.
Joan worked her way to the top; she was the only female comic for a long time making any waves.. she also survived her husband's suicide and kept working hard for herself and her daughter and i can respect that.. Joan kept hustlin'working even after johnny carson tried blackballing her and she struggled for a long time..CH was fucking on the E channel exec and got a show.. i can't respect that.
Joan is crude but she is 100% correct. Chelsea Handler is the "REPUBLICAN" of comedy. 100% incompetent!
JOAN: Quit trying to make Melissa happen! It AIN'T happening! She's talentless. We don't like her. THANK YOU.
Team Joan. No question. And she's right. CH is NOT funny. I've said that from the beginning. She came out of nowhere. So I believe what Joan said about how she got her show. Also, sounds like Joan was joking with/about Chelsea. Joan jokes about a LOT of celebrities but she wasn't attacking her. Chelsea should have kept her mouth shut. I would love to see Joan ruin her.
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"Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha." - MK
"But don't you come after me, whore."
Oh, if I did siggies...
Rivers is way too thin-skinned, probably a result of all those facelifts. She's just a loudmouthed, judgmental old bitty. Handler is unfunny. The whole episode reminds me of "A Wonderful Life"...
Joan to CH: "You once called me a warped, frustrated old woman. What are YOU but a warped, frustrated YOUNG woman..."
They both need to fuck off.
Hahahaha! I love Joan!
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Team Joan, no contest. No comparison.
Team Joan all the way! Chelsea's a ho. 36? Bitch please.
i love joan rivers and she is absolutely funny as hell. chelsea is not funny AT ALL. sometimes i think her having her own show and all is just some kind of big spoof. like e! is fucking around and are seeing if anyone really buys it. it is totally bazaar.
Team Joan, even with that horrible plastic surgery.
She is a CLASSIC!
Team Joan on this.
If only they would join forces and work together.
She's right. Chelsea just IS NOT FUNNY. I like Joan. She has been through a lot, and I like her. She is funny, and a true groundbreaker.
Team Joan! I also highly recommend Joan's 2010 documentary, "A Piece of Work". It explains away a lot of the shite the naysayers are spewing. She was a ground breaker and worked that skinny little ass off and, at 78 years old, still does. She did NOT sleep her way there, she got where she was on her own.
And regarding Melissa, Joan is a Jewish Mama Bear. Tell me if you didn't have the guilt of always being on the road, your husband's suicide, and the millions that Joan has that you wouldn't spoil your little Yenta, too.
Team Joan. CH is so not funny. Every high school girl does the slutty drunk girl act.