2012 Is A Real Thing: Jennifer Aniston Might Be Knocked Up

If Jennifer Aniston had a baby for every time the tabloids said she was having a baby, she’d have more babies than Cabbage Patch Groom Dolls (read: a lot of fucking babies) and a child army to rival all child armies. If the tabloids aren’t saying she’s got a crying fetus in her womb, they’re saying that she’s crying in the fetal position inside of Beanie Baby Mountain (aka her safe place), because she got dumped again. But for the past few weeks, Star Magazine, The Enquirer and some others have been saying that Jennifer’s dog is breathing a sigh of relief, because now that she’s knocked up it no longer has to wear a bonnet while she tucks it into its crib at night. The Daily Mail is now co-signing all of that and their source is telling them that Jennifer is taking a break from barfing out romantic comedy after romantic comedy to be a mother:

“She wants to focus on herself and hopefully becoming a mother. She is thinking of launching her own fashion line which would allow her to spend more time at home.”

But the fun haters at Gossip Cop asked Jen’s publicist about this and he said her uterus still has a vacancy sign on it and she’s not taking a break anytime soon.

Who to believe? On one hand, the tabloids have been nailing me in the head with their “The Last Sign of The Apocalypse: Jennifer Aniston is Having Twins” headlines so hard that I’m starting to believe it. But on the other hand, if Jennifer Aniston was pregnant, she’d put on a bikini bottom made from her latest sonogram scan, stick two positive pregnancy tests over her nipples and then run in front of her arch rival Maddox during one of his staged photo-ops.

We really shouldn’t believe that Aniston is knocked up until we see Maddox with a defeated look on his face and a mourning outfit on his body. FYI: In the Brangelina world, a mourning outfit is anything that’s not black.