Joe Paterno Dead At The Age Of 85

I don’t usually cover football or sports shit (the golden kind not included) here at Dlisted unless the story’s main character is BULGE, but this story molested its way into my inbox so many times and so I took that as a sign. Besides, that picture has a buffet of man bulge (that bulge on the far left looks like a sack of fingerling potatoes and I’ve got the cream if he’s ready to mash), so technically I’m within the guidelines.

In case you didn’t already know from the trickle of candle wax and tears dripping down the sidewalk in front of your window from Penn State students holding a morning mourning vigil, Joe Paterno, the ex football coach who touched many lives and later got fired for turning his eyes to little boys getting touched, died from cancer at the age of 85 today. Joe’s family released this statement about his death to ESPN:

“He died as he lived. He fought hard until the end, stayed positive, thought only of others and constantly reminded everyone of how blessed his life had been. His ambitions were far reaching, but he never believed he had to leave this Happy Valley to achieve them. He was a man devoted to his family, his university, his players and his community.”

“Devoted to his community“? I don’t think they mean what they think they mean.

And I know today is like pre-cum Super Bowl day or something, but the real entertainment is going down on your Facebook feed right now. Pop the Jiffy Pop and watch as your friends go after each other over this. Half are like “A LEGEND HAS DIED!!!!!!” and the other half are like “Yeah, a legend who is now in heaven ignoring the rape of boy angels.” It’s a $10 million Snickers commercial away from being the Super Bowl of Facebook brawls.