The Best Messes At The Golden Globes

Someone who doesn’t know my ass very well asked me who I thought was the best dressed last night and and my answer was and will always be: WHO CARES! Picking out a pretty dress is easy! It’s so easy a MiserAlba can do it. The men and women who really deserves some attention (and heavy amounts of extra chunky shade) are the ones who rolled into a truly busted outfit and bravely smiled through the fugness in front of all the cameras. Because it takes a lot of work to look that fucked up and we should give them the recognition they deserve. So here’s my favorite messes from last night in no particular order.

Piper Perabo – The car cover for my mom’s old Buick got a second chance at life when Piper used it to make a ball gown that Cinderella would’ve worn if her Fairy Godmother was a pervert who just wanted to see her nipples. If you were walking through the woods and heard the voice of crazy calling at you from above, and you looked up to find a nekkid ass Sharon Stone caught in a parachute stuck in the trees, she would look just like Piper Perabo. Piper’s dress told me that yes, she does acid. And Piper’s curious poses told me that yes, she does acid AND Ecstasy.

Melanie Griffith – Okay, Melanie’s dress was totally normal, but the scene she gave on the red carpet was a totally different story. The way Antonio Banderas held her up and dragged her across the carpet… The way she kept those sunglasses on…. I really thought it was a Weekend at Bernie’s situation until I realized that Melanie probably got a quick glance at Piper’s posing and was knocked back by the DRAMA!

Zooey Deschanel – I shouldn’t look at the top of a dress and think that my dog’s idea of heaven would be scooting across it. AstroTurf for your titties is not the look.

Sarah Michelle Gellar – The worst ad for MiO Water EVER! I’m not sure I wanted to know what it would look like if I was swimming at the bottom of a pond in Smurf Village and looked up just as all the Smurfs started to piss into the water. That being said, I want that dress as my next screensaver.

Lea Michele – We’re living in a world where Lea Michele is Beyonce in her own head and we’re also living in a world where nobody told her that she looked like a mermaid linebacker from Chernobyl.

Amanda Peet – The good news is that her 1-year-old daughter now has a cribskirt for almost every day of the week.

Jessica Chastain – I KNOW! I can already hear it. Everybody thought Jessica Chastain was the epitome of perfection and is what would grace your eyes if you looked at an angel’s pearl necklace under a microscope. But I just looked at Jessica Chastain and saw a really bad Swoosie Kurtz circa 1989 impersonation.

I will say, though, that Jessica is someone you want in her life. When Giuliana Rancic was interviewing Jessica on E!, she loved everything. Jessica said she LOVED Giuliana, was such a fan and has also been dreaming of coming to the Golden Globes ever since she was a little girl. Yes, Jessica is one of those people who loves everything. So she’s definitely the person you want to tell when you’ve just found out you have Gonorrhea. You’d be like, “Jessica, I just got back from the doctor and he told me that being a bareback slut finally caught up with me and I have Gonorrhea now.” Jessica would keep a smile on her face and be like, “Gonorrhea?! That’s my favorite STD! I love gonorrhea! I’m a huge fan. I’m so happy for you!”

Thomas Jane – I did not know that Knott’s Berry Farm let you keep the costumes after you take a picture at one of their old timey photo shops.