The news the butter and sugar industries didn’t want to believe was coming but knew was coming has finally came in a swarm of flying Truvia packets. After months of rumors, our butter messiah Paula Deen is about to announce that she’s been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. That sound you hear is butter-thirsty Norwegians diving into the butter lake in the underground cavern under Paula’s house. Shortly after the news broke, the sugar industry issued this official response:
One would expect Paula to handle this news by punching the Land O’ Lakes Girl in the face before kneeing King Ding Dong in the ding dong, but apparently she’s turning her ‘beeties into MONAY! The Daily says that Paula has quietly worked out a multimillion dollar deal with Novartis, the drug she’s currently taking for her diabetes, to be their new spokesperson. Paula is expected to announce this any day now. A source also says that Paula will probably change the way she cooks and the days of making deep fried chocolate noodles with creamed cheesecake sauce are behind her.
This just makes me want to weep salty tears on a bar of butter before deep throating it, but how can I eat a bar of butter if our butter queen can’t?! Paula is going to have to trade her morning cup of sugar with a splash of coffee for a morning cup of Stevie with a splash of green tea. What is going on? If next you tell me that Sandra Lee has joined AA and has vowed to start making edible food, I’m going to impale myself on Guy Fieri’s head.