Welcome To Beyonce’s Private Birthing Suite

January 12, 2012 / Posted by:

TMZ posted a few pictures of the much-bitched about luxury birthing suite at Lenox Hill Hospital where Blue Ivy Carter cleansed the world’s sins and SAVED THE MUSIC INDUSTRY!!! by being born. And, well….

Okay, my mom’s an ultrasound tech and when I was just a young gay who was fascinated with sonogram jelly (no comment), I’d go to work with her on the weekends. There were so many times that I’d go into the maternity wing and walk right into a woman turning inside/out on a stretcher while going into labor right there in the hallway, because all the rooms were busy. IN THE HALLWAY. I could practically smell the disgusted fear from the almost-born newborn who knew to keeps its eyes shut, because it didn’t want its first sight on earth to be that of a fat motherfucker flashing his ass crack while bending over to pull a Rocky Road bar out of the vending machine. Yeah, their waiting room vending machine had Rocky Road bars in it. Kind of fancy, right? But that’s not the point! Beyonce’s suite is 5 million steps above staring at an old man slowly stirring powdered creamer into his vending machine coffee while a human baby explodes out of your vagina, but it’s not what I expected.

Lenox Hill denies that the rooms were renovated just for Beyonce and Jay-Z, but they do admit that she christened it. They are lying. You know Beyonce and Jay-Z slipped a bar of gold into those Lenox Hill’s pockets to rid the sixth floor of the smell of dried birth blood and random cheese. But this is the best they could come up with? Where’s the alligator floor tiles? Where’s the hologram of Kanye West telling Beyonce that’s she going to have the best birth of all time? Where’s the trapdoor to throw the surrogate into after they’re done with her? Where’s the easel for an artist to paint portraits of the entire birth on (videotaping is for peons)? Where’s all of that? This almost looks like a junior suite at the Radisson. How dreadful.

Blue Ivy is barely a week old and she already knows what the emotion called embarrassing feels like. If this suite was on TripAdvisor, the first review would be:

(H)B.I.C.“I squeezed myself through a pussy canal for this one star shit?!”

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