Casper Smart Has Been Promoted To Kept Bitch

January 12, 2012 / Posted by:

Casper Smart must be doing all of his chores on time, because his azuquita mami JLo has moved him up from full-time rebound piece to being on her payroll. Casper makes a back-up dancer’s salary and JLo won’t even fart into the doorway of the places he can afford to take her, so she’s allegedly giving him a $10,000 a week salary to keep everybody happy. Well, I’ve always said that good dick will make you sign a blank check and hand over your ATM code. But who knew that a humanized Howard the Duck could leave a ho dickmatized. Give it, get it, spend it, Casper.

Star Magazine (via Hollywood Life) heard from some source that JLo is an old-fashioned kind of bitch who thinks that the man should pay and it embarrasses her on the inside every time she has to bring her credit card out during dates with Casper. JLo is now putting a little money in his piggy bank, so everyone around them will think that he’s paying even though everyone knows that she’s really paying. The source says, “She hated having to whip out her credit card every time they go to dinner. Jen figured it’s easier to give Casper a weekly stipend, and she thought $10K was a nice round number. Jen doesn’t want to go over the top, showering Casper with too much, but she also wants him to up his game. Jen is hoping Casper won’t think twice about buying presents for her kids or whisking her off for a surprise weekend getaway.

Is Star sure the source didn’t leave a zero out in that $10,000 number? Because JLo’s idea of a quick weekend getaway is getting her asshole platinum-leafed in an exclusive spa housed in an old diamond mine off the coast of Africa. And $10,000 won’t even platinum leaf one of her ass lips. But honestly, I bet JLo’s not even the one signing Casper’s check. JLo is ridiculous, but she’s not going to open up her checkbook when her main pimp Fiat will do it for her. Fiat’s only requirement is that whenever Casper and JLo are getting down in a hotel room, he’s contractually obligated to scream out “I’m going to ride you like a 1.4 liter Fiat 500, available at your local Fiat dealer!” loud enough for at least 4 people to hear.

In related news, The National Enquirer says that JLo’s kids, the Dragon Tales Twins, are calling her kept piece “Daddy Casper.” You know, there’s no point in freaking about this, because I don’t think it’s a nickname. I’m pretty sure Daddy Casper is his actual government name.

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