An Imaginary British Houseguest Will Save Your Marriage, So Says Oprah
Having an imaginary friend isn't only for children and Jennifer Aniston, it's also for married couples who are on the verge of screaming each other's faces off during an argument in their own homes. In an article on Oprah.com (via Buzzfeed), the Dalai Oprah writes 10 unexpected ways that only you can save your marriage and one of them will only work if you're on acid all the time or if you've been diagnosed as certifiably schizophrenic.
All of us have much more control over our behavior than we like to think. For instance, if you had a very proper, prestigious British guest at your home, sleeping in the bedroom adjacent to yours, you'd act differently during arguments. You'd behave more kindly and politely to your spouse when, say, he sold your mother's hideous-but-beloved vase during a garage sale—if only because you didn't want to feel deeply ashamed. So the next time you consider screaming, imagine poor Rupert lying in the guest room, overhearing your every word.
THIS rich ass ho. Only Oprah. This kind of ridiculous advice is hard for me to wrap my tattered brain around, because I come from a Latin family who don't consider it a fight unless it makes at least one innocent person uncomfortable. Some of my cousins will fight inside of the house and then chase each other to the front yard where they'll fight again in front of all the neighbors. Why don't those crazies stay inside, you ask? Because they need an audience for their theater! And they need someone to turn to and ask, "Did you hear this bitch, right? You're on my side, right? RIGHT?!" They need votes, basically.
But I'm still going to put Oprah's bizarre advice to the test the next time I should myself in a fight with a boyfriend. I do need to know if this Rupert dude is hot or not, because that makes a difference. I'd like the option of walking out on the whisper fight to go and loudly fuck Rupert in the next room.
And I did let out an extra laugh at Oprah saying "imaginary" British friend. Please, Oprah isn't fooling us. You know she's got an actual British man named Rupert on payroll who always sleeps in the room next to hers and Gayle's to keep them from fighting.
Submitted by Phoebe on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 5:26pm.
Rupert needs to stop huddling behind the door of the guest room. His job should be to follow her around to smack the mashed potatoes off her spoon.
LMFAO. Thanks, Phoebe!
No, the Big O's got a point! I agree with urmomma, she HAS a polite guest in the next room for the next whisper fight, Only he's not British and his name is Steadman. Naturally!
And tojo & louise, she uses that strangely specific example because she is DESCRIBING Gayelle! Haha Can't you totes imagine her "selling your mother's hideous-but-beloved vase during a garage sale" YES! There you go! LMAO!
"The only money shot you'll get is a load of tears to the face." MK
Submitted by Naughychimp on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 5:14pm.
I dunno, but it reminds me of those episodes of "Keeping up Appearances" when Hyacinth would actually meet lords and ladies. She always expected them to be dignified, stately and dressed perfectly, and they ended up being perverted shabbily-dressed lushes who conga-danced through the yard.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
Taking marriage advice from never-married Oprah is like going to a Roman Catholic priest for marriage counseling.
Dear Professor Winfrey,
I've attended all your life classes, I got an "A," but this shit has got to stop.
Dear Professor Winfrey,
I've attended all your life classes, I got an "A," but this shit has got to stop.
Rupert needs to stop huddling behind the door of the guest room. His job should be to follow her around to smack the mashed potatoes off her spoon.
I know some British upper class folk: Dukes, lords, ladies, etc. They're rolicking good fun and would have no issue at all with screaming, cussing matches in the bedroom next to theirs.
Why do Americans always like to think that the English are the epitome of fancy-uptight? There are plenty of super-formal types from every country. Why not imagine a classy old lady guest from, say, Venezuela?
*happyslaps jack with pinky in the air*
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"It's always funny until somebody gets hurt-then it's fucking hilarious": The late great Bill Hicks
What if your British guest is Russell Brandt?
Haha! This reminds me of when my husband met my family. My family started a fight right in front of him. It's not often we get an outsider near us, so my uncle went at it at my mother about some fight they had when they were four. My husband looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. I thought for sure I would never see him again.
Oprah's got... what... 42 billion dollars, and lives on Doritos and pork rinds? Absurd.
Jesus, what a bunch of shit. I used to live in an apartment and my next door neighbors would scream at each other constantly. The male of the couple had a British accent and would scream at his wife with his proper British accent. Screaming and fighting is screaming and fighting.
So Oprah wants us to imagine that Rupert Everett is in the next room? Or maybe I'll imagine my 3rd grade classmate Ruperto. He had a Nintendo Game Boy and would let me play it quite a lot. Yes, that works better. Then I could just imagine playing Tetris and ignore whomever I'm arguing with.
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Read Triston's Heaux-ventures as he traipses the Heaux-rient Sexpress!
http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2012/01/heaux-confessionals-traispsing-t...
The poster formerly known as Snow Owl formerly known as Nightowl!
clairey - who's that in your avie?
*thumps you when you try to look down nose*
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"Dog, Jack drinks exclusively at the Braille Bar." EastEndGirl, 11/01/2011
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 3:08pm.
Submitted by clairey claire on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 3:05pm.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 3:02pm.
Submitted by clairey claire on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 2:59pm.
alrighty then.
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Sorry maybe that was my refined British humour not translating well
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LOL - thank you, mah lady...
*waits for you to offer me tea and strumpets*
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Now that would be afternoon tea in true D-Listed style
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"It's always funny until somebody gets hurt-then it's fucking hilarious": The late great Bill Hicks
Ha, she's obviously not spent much time in England! People here are generally very nice (I live in the north east and Geordies are very friendly) but the posh contingent, the truly posh, make up about 0.25% of the population (that's just my guess so don't try to confirm that with Wikipedia). If she needs proof I refer her to Katie Price's accountant.
Submitted by clairey claire on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 3:05pm.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 3:02pm.
Submitted by clairey claire on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 2:59pm.
alrighty then.
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Sorry maybe that was my refined British humour not translating well
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LOL - thank you, mah lady...
*waits for you to offer me tea and strumpets*
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"Dog, Jack drinks exclusively at the Braille Bar." EastEndGirl, 11/01/2011
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 3:02pm.
Submitted by clairey claire on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 2:59pm.
alrighty then.
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Sorry maybe that was my refined British humour not translating well
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"It's always funny until somebody gets hurt-then it's fucking hilarious": The late great Bill Hicks
I'm still going to put Oprah's bizarre advice to the test the next time I should myself in a fight with a boyfriend. I do need to know if this Rupert dude is hot or not, because that makes a difference. I'd like the option of walking out on the whisper fight to go and loudly fuck Rupert in the next room.
^^^THIS^^^
...MK you must have been the fly on they wall when they wrote that shit and edited it out. I mean I get the whole "let's be polite for company and all..." buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut let's be for real fucking a hot Rupert in the next room is the only advantage of a whisper fight.
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Cure for cramps: weed. Weed for everything, really.- Bjork You
Submitted by clairey claire on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 2:59pm.
alrighty then.
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"Dog, Jack drinks exclusively at the Braille Bar." EastEndGirl, 11/01/2011
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 2:52pm.
Submitted by clairey claire on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 2:28pm.
The English are horrible and Oprah is a moron.
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LOL this quote is classic... permission to use as signature?
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*sticks nose in air, looks down pince nez at you, sniffs in ill-concealed disgust*
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"It's always funny until somebody gets hurt-then it's fucking hilarious": The late great Bill Hicks
Submitted by clairey claire on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 2:28pm.
The English are horrible and Oprah is a moron.
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LOL this quote is classic... permission to use as signature?
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"Dog, Jack drinks exclusively at the Braille Bar." EastEndGirl, 11/01/2011
..oh n Harpo please STFU and STFD!!!!! You stooopid rich twat!
OH! FUCCCKEEENNGG A MK!! You just described my family to a T! My brother once told my ma he is proud to be part of the family because we keep it real, we dont wait for our guests to leave before we start our arguement/fights.. oooh no! We aim to make as many people uncomfortable as possible and once the fight is over we move on like nothing happened whilst the innocent bystanders sit there all confused/uncomfortable and wondering what just happened! HA! Ahhh a day in the life of a true mexican... I lurve you MK!! More today than yesterday :p
Yes, that's exactly what every couple with a dying marriage should do! Pretend Bertie Wooster is staying at your house and having wacky hijinks!
Are celebs aware that there are British people who are not "oh-rahthah cheerio-pip-pip pass-the-crumpet what-ho" upper crust types? Of course they're not. They just desperately want to convince the masses that they have culture, class and cosmopolitan interests, and claiming that Europeans are all 150% culture and class is part of that.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
Oh YAHHHHSS! We Brits are like RAHLLY so polite and proper. I mean just yesterday an unfamiliar young man stopped and called my boyfriend a ginger cunt and threatened to stab him and steal his phone. Such manners! The English are horrible and Oprah is a moron.
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"It's always funny until somebody gets hurt-then it's fucking hilarious": The late great Bill Hicks
Harpo you couldn't teach me how to Dougie, much less give me marriage advice. Saddown...
LMAO Weezy and Urmomma!!
*chanting as always*
"I feel the burn it must be Vern" PERKY 2011
My British guest would be David Gandy.....not very very proper but a hell of a lot of fun for me. Everyone would be yelling at me to keep the screaming and moaning down.
I just imagine that the British guest is a chav and keep cussing and farting.
Submitted by Sluttsville on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 1:49pm.
When Rupert picks up the hubby's dirty underwear & socks off the floor, then I'll lower my voice.
hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa *swooooon* such a good woman!
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"Dog, Jack drinks exclusively at the Braille Bar." EastEndGirl, 11/01/2011
Jesus Oprah, stop being such a GD parody of yourself.
FAB dress however.
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"End well: this isn't going to." - MK
so says she from the comfort of one of her numerous homes with a zillion rooms. her fucking highness wouldn't know if Rupert was even in the house 'cos they're so damn big...
When Rupert picks up the hubby's dirty underwear & socks off the floor, then I'll lower my voice.
Rupert Everett is a gay so he'd enjoy your bitchy cat fights with Gayle.
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McGill Class of '97
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-
Submitted by tojo
She's got a point but lol@ "he sold your mother's hideous-but-beloved vase during a garage sale—"
what a crazy example to use...
Right? I mean, does her advice still apply if he sold your jewelry to support his crack habit? Or if you found out he was fucking your next-door neighbor?
Excuse moi, but weren't we supposed to be rid of her once her crappy show went off the air???
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
If she wants to give me advice on how to start up a Maury type talk show and years later transform that trash into America's group therapy session I might listen.
Weight loss and marriage advice, I think not.
Whamo I wish I could have seen that! Ahahaha!! ooooopsie.
Anyway Oprah, my British house guest is Vyvyan from the Young Ones. http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lilzirUicn1qiso56o1_500.jpg
"HEADACHE MY ASS!!! and Rupert if you can hear this you better mind your fucking bidness..."
*gets on couch*
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"Dog, Jack drinks exclusively at the Braille Bar." EastEndGirl, 11/01/2011
A few years back my Brother in law stayed with us when his wife kicked him out. Every morning I asked the hub if I was screaming in my sleep. It was just a dream, thankfully.
Fuck Oprah!
Submitted by urmomma on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 1:00pm.
Submitted by Whamo on Tue, 01/10/2012 - 12:48pm.
I remember seeing O interviewed once and they were asking her what her reactions where when she first hear about the 9/11 attacks. She answered right away and said something like "well Gayle and I were laying there just shocked....")
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Steadman = Rupert...
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Bahahahaha!
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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. –michelleb
Oh and my imaginary british houseguest would have to be Rupert Grint bringing this along http://stupidcelebrities.net/2011/04/21/harry-potter-actor-rupert-grint-...,
or better yet, Rufus Sewell. I'd rather they not be imaginary then. ;)
B_I_A_M: Your grandfather is a wise old owl....definitely. Yay for smart pepaws!
Tempokat, thanks! He sure is!
"I know that I'm going to be a target, but I'm never going to be a victim". - Justin Bieber
Whamo, thanks for that bit o' info. Had not heard that one before and I love it! It would have been early morning in Chicago, too. hahaha, stupid dOprah.
Better advice would be grow the fuck up and if you can't handle your temper, tell your partner you need to walk away for a bit to calm down. If you fuck up and yell, apologize and talk it out.
Why British? She sounds like Homer Simpson who hears a Brit accent (Simon Cowell) and answers "Yes Your Lordship" as he backs out bowing out of the room.
I prefer to imagine the Two Fat Ladies riding around my house in their sidecar. I used to imagine the Spice Girls, but they just egged me on "Blah blah blah GIRL POWAHHHH!"
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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate
yes Oprah you been married for how long?
Proper British guess my ass, I like to prance around naked and have loud sex and the guest will ruin that, unless he hawtt
"I will pee myself today and when someone asks, "what is that smell?", I will happily tell them Veluptuous by KK!" Urmomma