The new chosen one has stepped onto the planet and knocked the halos right off of Brangelina’s twin messiahs, and yet Jessica Simpson’s baby is still baking in a puddle of trans fat in her womb. Beyonce barely had a dollop of anything on her stomach at her 9th month and it really looked like she was growing her baby in her damn wig, and then you’ve got Jessica who is giving us a whole of DAMN at 7 months. My eyes swole up just by looking at her. I bet Jessica doesn’t even walk. Bitch stands really still and lets out a high-powered pregnancy fart that pushes her a few feet. Then she takes a deep breath, stands really still and lets out another high-powered pregnancy fart that pushes her another few feet. Bitch’s got a motor in her ass.
Jessica came out big on Friday night for NBC’s TCA Party where she was there to whore out her new fashion reality show with Nicole Richie. Jessica told reporters that you won’t find her waddling around A Pea in a Pod, because she stays away from maternity clothes, “I buy bigger sizes, which is very important, but I haven’t really gone to maternity clothes because I don’t really love maternity stuff.”
Who needs maternity clothes, anyway? It’s easier just to lay out a black tarp, spray Jessica down with fried chicken grease and then roll her over that tarp with the help of a thousand villagers and the tree trunk of a mighty oak. Then they wrap her up, lift her up with a crane, throw a few pounds of sequins at her BOOM! Instant knocked up glamour! But seriously, Jessica really does look happy, which is more than I can say for the owners of every Korean all-you-can eat barbecue in the L.A. area who had to close up for 9 months after hearing that Jessica swallowing tin trays for two now.