Blind Item Solved!

January 6, 2012 / Posted by:

The Internet assembled into one big Detective La Toya last October when a Texas-based Asian American actress threw a $1 million lawsuit at IMDB for exposing her real age of 40 instead of posting her Hollywood age of 30-something. The female question mark of Asian descent wanted IMDB to pay for fucking with her money, because she claimed in her lawsuit that Hollywood discriminates against 40-something unknown actresses. The guesses were everyone from Catherine Zeta-Jones (a valid guess) to Bai Ling to the entire cast of The Joy Luck Club. The good thing that came out of this is that it made me watch The Joy Luck Club again and I bonded with my dog by reciting the line “You make-ah me happeh” into his eyes on a daily basis.

Anyway, IMDB asked a judge to dismiss the case if the actress didn’t reveal her identity. The Hollywood Reporter reports that the judge has sided with IMDB and the anonymous actress has dramatically stepped out of the dark and revealed that she’s the one and only:

JUNIE HOANG!!!!!!!!!

According to those bitches who did her wrong, IMDB, Junie Hoang was born Huong Hoang in Saigon, Vietnam on June 16, 1971. Junie’s illustrious credits include 12 Corazones, My Big Phat Hip Hop Family, The Bong Connection, Operation Repo, Gingerbread Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver and an episode of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant as a triage nurse.

If you guessed Junie Hoang, then give yourself a slap in the face and follow it up with a punch to the eye, because that’s what you get for lying. Nobody guessed Junie Hoang! Because nobody knows who Junie Hoang is. But I guess a bunch of us do now and I hope that Junie Hoang at least gets to play the role of Junie Hoang when some show on truTv does a reenactment of this. (SPOILER ALERT: She won’t. Some 20-year-old white girl will get the role.)

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