For Just $425, You Can Cleanse Your Colon The GOOP Way
GOOP is back with its first newsletter of the year and since Fishsticks Paltrow is obsessed with POOP, it's all about how you can reverse fuck your asshole raw by shitting out your insides while completely screwing over your checking account.
Back in 2009, GOOP featured a cleanse by a company called Clean and the power of Fishsticks caused it to sell out immediately. So she's slapped the GOOP name on her favorite poop pusher and is selling it for the price of a bottle of genuine Tibetan monk tears. (You know, that's the stuff she gargles with to keep the crap that comes out of her mouth from burning her vocal cords.) With the help of her cleanse doctor (yes, this bitch has a cleanse doctor), Dr. Junger, Fishy put together the perfect detox that will make you feel as empty inside as her. Let Dr. Junger break it down for you:
"The basic premise of this cleanse is that by creating the right conditions, our bodies will begin to reset themselves naturally. How? By adding in nutritionally-beneficial foods and supplements, and removing the major toxins in our diet (inflammatory and processed foods).""Unlike most cleanses, the goop cleanse by Clean is designed to deliver results right now, while also inspiring long-term health changes. The cleanse will help give your digestive system a break and also improve energy levels by bringing in high-quality vitamins and nutrients. Best of all, because you'll be eating during this program, you won't be left feeling hungry or tired which is typical of most cleanses."
If you look at the 6 steps above, the GOOP CLEANSE (which sounds like the name of a swamp water enema) is very easy to do. You wake up, put your hair in a ponytail, drink an overpriced shake, down a handful of overpriced vitamins, change your clothes, eat salad in your friend's backyard, change your clothes again, check your email while drinking another overpriced shake, change your clothes for the fourth time, light a fire and then sit back with a mug full of your own tears. The light a fire part is very important. Because when you sit back and realize that you've just spent over four hundred damn dollars on some bullshit, you'll want to throw yourself into an open flame to end your GOOP misery (goopery?).
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Wow. What a ripoff. Side note: How do people do these cleanses and live normal lives? Aren't they afraid of shitting themselves at work? That would be my biggest concern. Just sezzin'.
There is a liquid, you can buy at the pharmacy to prepare for a colonoscopy, that works and is cheap and fast - super sour cherry flavoured stuff you add to juice.
Otherwise this is just some goopshit rip-off.
any MD will tell you this is BULLSHIT... there isnt a doctor alive that went to medical school that will tell you that this is good for you or has any truth to what she is claiming... it is irresponsible and snake oil crap.. I fuckin hate her eating disorder spreading cunty crap
xoxox
The war isn't working.
Colon cleansing is such a bullshit con artist lie.
This cleaning business is getting out of hand. People use it to lose weight. Seems similar to the old Ex-Lax diet ramp-up to bulimia.
My sister is addicted to these. If she doesn't shit about 5 or 10 times a day she panics.
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I read this while eating sour powers after drinking some rum. This only cost me about $6.
I'm very superficial, I hate everything official.
What a stupid cunt.
Firstly, colon cleansing is a natural reaction to eating hot peppers. Your mouth might say, "Yes! Hot. Good. Tasty. Making me sweat. Tears" Your asshole on the otherhand will say, "WHAT IN THE MOTHER FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FUCKING HOT PEPPER ADDICTED IDIOT?"
Then, you shit yourself UNsanctimoniously by way of thinking you're simply pushing out a fart and along comes the whole dancing girls line-up of "Whaaa? Too hot for joo, mon?" Tears and sullied underwear result.
Secondly, hot peppers contain anti-cancer things that once shooting out of your pooper, can can cure you of pooper chute cancer.
HOT PEPPERS, PEOPLE!
I can deep throat ghost chiles. Do not mess with me.
Submitted by BoredSlore on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 6:34pm.
Just get that colon cleanse kit that doctors recommend right before you get a colonoscopy; it cost like $15. My aunt did that like two years ago and she was crystal clean (they give you a printout afterwards, ha!).
Yes, I did that and I'm quite proud of my colonoscopy results too!
I think she's in Madonna's school of thought when it comes to working out and eating. And we all see how that's done her. By the time Goopy is Madonna's age, she'll look like a chewed up dog toy too.
http://girlunemployed.blogspot.com
Just get that colon cleanse kit that doctors recommend right before you get a colonoscopy; it cost like $15. My aunt did that like two years ago and she was crystal clean (they give you a printout afterwards, ha!).
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^THIS! Exactly what I posted previously. You can BUY a bottle of saline stuff down the laxative aisle @ your local pharmacy..... which is just a smaller version of the saline/water *recipe* I posted earlier.
These dumb fucks who keep saying *drink this, use that* are fulla shit (no pun intended). To clean out your colon, use the saline solution. To DETOX, do a colon cleanse while drinking nothing but water that day. Day two and three, EAT fruits and veggies. DO NOT use juices as the juice of fruits and veggies contain almost NO fiber.
And, I don't think Gwynnie is doing this for monies. I think she just likes being associated with a DOCTOR... giving her own self esteem a boost.
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When somebody brands you as a cunt, you thank them since that's better than getting knighted by the queen herself.~MK 8/15/11
I love nothing more than a huge, satisfying poop. In fact, I'm sad right now because I'm on a high protein diet and I don't poop much anymore.
That's the only thing Goopy and I have in common.
I think I just had a spontaneous "GOOP" cleanse reading all you funny bitches' comments!
Oops, I gooped again! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
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"When I come up, I rush, I rush for you..."
That last paragraph is fuckin' hilarious, MK. :)
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"When I come up, I rush, I rush for you..."
Just get that colon cleanse kit that doctors recommend right before you get a colonoscopy; it cost like $15. My aunt did that like two years ago and she was crystal clean (they give you a printout afterwards, ha!).
Goopy had osteopenia, which is basically a precursor to osteoporosis.
So I'll take any of her diet advice with a pair of earplugs.
Goop is so full of shit, she needs massive intestinal Roto-Rootering on a monthly basis.
Stupid cunt.
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Visit Anthony Higgins Performances on Facebook.
Submitted by WithinReason... on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 4:25pm.
We were always pulling pranks on each other... some got pretty out of hand... this was one of them LOL
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"Dog, Jack drinks exclusively at the Braille Bar." EastEndGirl, 11/01/2011
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 4:17pm.
Submitted by crazyassmom on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 2:28pm.
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Fuck, sounds funny but it's really not. Is it? Some people are really fucking evil! I say Karma!
"The only money shot you'll get is a load of tears to the face." MK
Derp derp. Dbl post. =o/
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Mountain Dew is also the perfect butt douche to turn to when that stubborn gerbil refuses to fall out of your ass.-Michael K.
Submitted by WithinReason... on Thu, 01/05/2012 -
4:25pm.
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Hi! Sorry I didn't see your post until now. I did see what you posted on the OP, welcome. I'm relatively new also. Just *really* started posting on a "regular" basis on NY's weekend.
Yes. Yes! It is rather funny. Lol. He's laughing as he's cussing me on the way home. And occasionally laughs the next day. (but for the life of me, I can't understand why...).
Again....welcome. It's a nutty ass place here, gotta love it though! =p
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Mountain Dew is also the perfect butt douche to turn to when that stubborn gerbil refuses to fall out of your ass.-Michael K.
Submitted by crazyassmom on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 2:28pm.
LMAO!!!!!!! You sound like my ex wife pulling mean shit... she sold oil and gas and had this tiny little vial of liquid and said here smell this... It was amonia refrigeration oil... I passed smoothe the fuck out crashing down on the damn coffee table. I woke up with my eyes watering and nose running like a faucet. She wet her pants laughing. LOL good times.
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"Dog, Jack drinks exclusively at the Braille Bar." EastEndGirl, 11/01/2011
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 4:17pm.
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Damn Jack! Lmao! That *was* mean! I wouldn't even do something like that? Lol
That's probably the worst thing I've done in 18 yrs...although, it has seen several repeat performances over the yrs! Dummy! You'd think her learn after all this time. Lol.
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Mountain Dew is also the perfect butt douche to turn to when that stubborn gerbil refuses to fall out of your ass.-Michael K.
Its basically about eliminating overly processed foods from your diet. I am a nutritionist, (I work w/ the elderly so I am basically concerned with weight maintenance)! Anyway, Just stick to lean protein, fruit and veggies and alot of H20. Bran cereal and fresh juice is a good way to start the day.(for me anyway!).
Submitted by Migraine Sally on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 12:43pm.
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Congrats! I cut out bad carbs and sodas and have lost 2lbs already! I'm really excited about it...so congrats to you b/c those first days are the hardest :)
On to this Goopy ho--Ugh I hate when pretentious people try to feed you their bullshit. The best "cleanse" I'v ever done is a fruit/vegetable cleanse where all I did for 3 days (the most any real nutrionist would recommend)was eat fruit and vegetables and drink water. I have never shitted so much in my life but at then end I felt so light and my skin looked amazing and I spent $20 max at the grocery store.
Just go to the Dollar Tree and get a few bottles of their Milk of Mag. That works right away also, you betcha! Paltrow is such a douche.
Submitted by Bo on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 3:22pm.
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Mineral oil works wonders. Just...ugh. Has no real taste, but just tastes "greasy". Not like chicken but like what you might think motor oil tastes like. Lol
Luckily, it doesn't take long to get rid of the taste.
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Mountain Dew is also the perfect butt douche to turn to when that stubborn gerbil refuses to fall out of your ass.-Michael K.
Submitted by derf on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 1:32pm.
...and yet her face is still a zit-covered oil slick and her hair is made of straw. Not the look I'm going for or the picture of health IMO. __________________________________________________
LMAO!
Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 12:19pm.
Submitted by ditquoi on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 11:53am.
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You're not supposed to be losing weight when your pregnant ho!
I know girl it's like a dream come true...I feel like Professor Clump...I'm thin! I'm THIIIIIIIIINNNNNNN!!! ha ha ha
Goopy needs to spend less time cleansing and more time trying to figure out why she seems to view her body as a steaming cauldron of fifth that can never been cleaned ENOUGH.
Her poor colon must be begging for mercy at this point...
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This episode brought to you by the letter SHUTUP.
Cheaper way to shit yourself raw is just by going to Taco Bell.
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"The older you get, the wiser you get...unless you're a banana!" - Rose Nylund
You can cleanse "[b]y adding in nutritionally-beneficial foods and supplements, and removing the major toxins in our diet (inflammatory and processed foods)."
OK, that's good advice. Any doctor could tell you this, though, as well as the mailman, the guy who cuts your hair, your unemployed cousin and that hottie you gave a drunken beej to last night.
But you don't need to send a dime to anyone else to do this, you can just buy healthy food and vitamins 'n' shit your OWN se'f and eat them!
Submitted by Bizzarelife on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 2:07pm.
I tried to lower my calorie intake below my usual in order to jumpstart weight loss. BIG mistake. I had huge bruises! My doctor told me it was from a lack of protein. If you are active, these cleanses can be a big issue. It just does not do the job to get you through your workout. Focus on fiber, protein, and good fruit/veggies. Remember that the sugar in fruit is natural and operates a little differently in the body!
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This is why I think goop has such a haggard look, the cleanses, working out…it’s the classic insecure heath nut that is just covering up an eating disorder shtick. Many people have various eating disorders that do not necessarily equal out a bone thin frame but who look very sickly in other ways. When goop is 45 she is going to regret all of this crap she is doing.
I agree totally with the sugar in fruit comment but the only reason why I brought that up is because usually when a person states flat out they have a sugar addiction they still find ways to get that sugar in- and primarily at the wrong times. I’ve shaped up quite a few people and what I have found is first they will get the whole grain cereal- then eat it past 8pm when they thought I didn’t know at the time ;). Then they do the same with fruit and the high sugar fruits at that (oranges, grapes) so I try to curb that from the start if that is a problem they have. Eating fruit in the morning is not a problem but when it’s in the house it’s like crack to some people and those craving start between 6pm-11pm from my experiences with people. I should have clarified- don’t be fruit phobic- just time aware!
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 12:37pm.
Submitted by Dirk Diggler on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 12:22pm.
"Cleansing" is not recommended by mainstream medicine and could prove dangerous, but Gwyneth obviously fancies herself to be a "medical authority" (among other things).
True dat. It is very reckless for her to instruct others when she has zero medical experience/degrees etc.. Anywhores, speaking of shit, I think she looks like shit and if the result of this 'cleanse' is looking like that then PASS. If I need a good intestinal cleaning I'll simply order from the value menu at McVomits, mission accomplished.
----You are SO correct. No doctor is going to recommend these cleanses (no real physician). What a physician will tell you is to ensure that you keep your calories to where you need them to be, avoid sugar, and exercise.
I love to exercise. I especially love hard exercise - lots of cardio and weights. However, if you do not eat the right amount of protein and calories, you get weak and slow. I tried to lower my calorie intake below my usual in order to jumpstart weight loss. BIG mistake. I had huge bruises! My doctor told me it was from a lack of protein. If you are active, these cleanses can be a big issue. It just does not do the job to get you through your workout. Focus on fiber, protein, and good fruit/veggies. Remember that the sugar in fruit is natural and operates a little differently in the body!
Submitted by crazyassmom on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 1:54pm.
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!! The. worst. was when these two chicks at the bar dared me to chug a bottle of hot sauce... I did. Big, HUGE mistake. I can't even look at a bottle of hot sauce without shittin my pants. LOL
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"Dog, Jack drinks exclusively at the Braille Bar." EastEndGirl, 11/01/2011
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 1:58pm.
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Omg...lol. Do you like Chinese food, the Szechuan stuff with those red or sometimes black looking peppers? BH doesn't have a very good memory, lol, so every couple of yrs I'm able to get him to try one of those peppers again. XD. I guess they're wayyy hotter than jalapenos, and he's sitting there turning 4-5 different shades of red trying not to die on the spot. This place knows us, so they keep a glass of milk cold in the fridge for him if I give them the "ok". They watch the table, and when he starts changing colors, coughing, and drinking every glass of water on the table (which does NO good) then they bring him the milk and chuckle all the way back up to the desk. Lol. He cusses me all the way home AND every time he goes to the BR the next day!
I'm so frickin' mean sometimes, I love it. Lol. =oD
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Mountain Dew is also the perfect butt douche to turn to when that stubborn gerbil refuses to fall out of your ass.-Michael K.
Colon Cleanse before a Colonoscopy:
Colon Cleanse Home Remedy
Sea Salt Solution Flush
Mix two quarts of pure water with two teaspoons of pure sea salt (do not use table salt for the purpose). Keep on drinking this solution throughout the morning. Within a few hours of drinking, you will experience the flushing of your bowels.
I think for a Cleanse and to replenish the good flora, do the Flush, eat some Yogurt!
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When somebody brands you as a cunt, you thank them since that's better than getting knighted by the queen herself.~MK 8/15/11
Submitted by Migraine Sally on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 12:43pm.
warmjuice, good points
I started eating like I am supposed to (protein, fruits, veggies, yogurt) and leaving out the white carbs (rice, pasta, bread, sugar) and in two days, I am down 3 lbs. I have been peeing like a mad woman. My body holds onto sugar and salt and bloats up and all the holiday eating has taken it's toll.
I have a vicious headache, but that is just the detoxing I think I am going through. Seriously, I am a sugar addict, hands down.
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Congrats! I'm doing the same thing and I'm down 3 pounds as well. Are you working out too? I'm trying to find stuff to do that isn't a complete fucking bore to me but it's hard. Exercising is boring :(
Would this make Dr. Junger be her poop monger?
Submitted by DevilsAdvocate on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 1:19pm.
Fermented non-GMO soy products are actually very healthful in moderation. Raw and non-fermented soybean products are nonstarters and should be avoided.
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I don’t disagree with this, but I think Tempeh is absolutely useless. I am big into basics, of course moderation of meat substitutes are fun and interesting, but the amount of sodium needed to perk it up can be a little much. There are quite a few different fermented meat subs on the market, all of which to me don’t hold any nutritional weight.
Or you know, just spend $20 on a few bottle of Naked juice, some lettuce and a multi vitamin and do it yourself. I go little 2 or 3 day cleanses once in a while, one day of just raw fruits and veggies, salad with only oil & balsamic and juices then the next day only juices and then the final day same as the first. Drink a fuck-ton of water throughout. If it is in the winter I find it insanely hard to do, but in the summer when it is hot out I'm never that hungry anyways and it gets you feeling energetic.
...and yet her face is still a zit-covered oil slick and her hair is made of straw. Not the look I'm going for or the picture of health IMO. I am Team Cleanse though...I did the Master Cleanse for 7 days (tried for 10) my skin never looked better and I had loads of energy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMC1_RH_b3k
check out this new, shit goopy would say clip. as a yoga instructor, i can confirm that it is an accurate portrayal.
Submitted by crazyassmom on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 1:20pm.
HAHAHAHA! Looky here... I went out with my friends (it was his wifes bday) and she drank Blue Moon on draft all night (barf). Then, about 11pm she ordered OYSTERS. She was drunk as hell. They woke up the next morning and she had shit the bed... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! we still make fun of her.
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"Dog, Jack drinks exclusively at the Braille Bar." EastEndGirl, 11/01/2011
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 1:25pm.
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Gross! Lol. But, not surprising with that combo! I drank draft mostly in my 20's cause it was cheaper, and at the time I was 18-20 so all you could drink was beer. ( sooo excited to go out and drink at the clubs when I turned 18! Bitches decided THAT was the fucking year they were going to up the age to 21! F'n assholes!)So...this was really stupid. You had to be 21 for alcohol (the hard shit), but you could be 18 and drink beer in a bar/clubs that allowed 18 with a beer stamp. But you could NOT buy beer in a store!! It was like...wtf!!?? That makes soo much sense, let me go tank my ass up with beer at a bar and drive home. But, I can't go to 7-11 and buy a case. Bring it home, party my ass off, and pass out in my front yard. Safely, without driving. ???)
Back OT of our subject, (damn I ramble!). That would be a badddd combo! I've never shit the bed passed out luckily, but the next day I felt as if someone was using that blowtorch on my asshole that someone suggested using for Goopy a few comments back. Lol. =p
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Mountain Dew is also the perfect butt douche to turn to when that stubborn gerbil refuses to fall out of your ass.-Michael K.
Fermented non-GMO soy products are actually very healthful in moderation. Raw and non-fermented soybean products are nonstarters and should be avoided.
Serious question. Why is she endorsing this shit? Does she need the money that badly? I mean, she's obviously getting paid to put her name on it. What a gross sell out.
Imagine a serious actor doing this shit.
Buy Daniel Day Lewis's Mango Face Peel!
Submitted by Migraine Sally on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 12:43pm.
warmjuice, good points
I started eating like I am supposed to (protein, fruits, veggies, yogurt) and leaving out the white carbs (rice, pasta, bread, sugar) and in two days, I am down 3 lbs. I have been peeing like a mad woman. My body holds onto sugar and salt and bloats up and all the holiday eating has taken it's toll.
I have a vicious headache, but that is just the detoxing I think I am going through. Seriously, I am a sugar addict, hands down.
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99% of yogurts and fruits are high in sugar, but obviously you are doing a great job and nobody is perfect within a day/month/year. If you wanted to go hardcore (and to prevent me from typing out a million words) I would incorporate the Bill Clinton (current) diet (google it, dean ornish) mixed each day with boneless, skinless chicken breasts.
Another good good bottom line- your body will have a hard time separating various foods post the age of 34- never NEVER eat carbs with meat/protein;do greens with meat, greens with carbs, dairy eat alone, fruit eat alone – zero toxicity “build up” over time.
One more quick thing - stay away from soy- it’s just bean juice! Colitis city baby…
Submitted by ISprainedMyUvula on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 12:27pm.
I can't get behind women who live their lives in such a way that constantly reminds others they will never live up to their standards.
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This has to be the most brilliant observation I have seen in a long time. I have a frenemy I can't stand, and I couldn't put my finger on it. She's never hurt me, she's very fake friendly. But this is it...her demeanor is always "I am better than everyone." But then again, what do I expect from a woman who once stated that she lived really simply and how materialism was bad, all while wearing her Chanel shoes and carrying her Jimmy Choo bag.
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 12:37pm.
Submitted by Dirk Diggler on Thu, 01/05/2012 - 12:22pm.
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There has never been one occasion that I have seen Goopy and said "Wow, she looks good." She's either super oily in the face, or her hair is dry and stringy or she has that nasty posture. Never got why people fawn over her.
I, for one, refuse to take diet and lifestyle advice from someone who is a huge flip-flopper diet-wise. One minute, she's a macrobiotic freak, the next she's scarfing down fried chicken like there's no tomorrow. This is the same woman who's superior diet and lifestyle have given her osteopenia (precursor to osteoporosis--unusual for someone her age) and a vitamin D deficiency. Bitch needs to straighten up her life before advising others.