In the padded room of a mental hospital in England somewhere is a beach walker muttering out the words “E.T. phone nightmares…“, because they watched as the police pulled this terrifying life-size replica of E.T. from the shore. The beach walker initially thought it was a dead body and called the coast guard, but it turned out to be something much more nightmare-inducing. The giant terror doll, which sorts of looks like a fat Larry King with Progeria and Eczema, belongs to 76-year-old Margaret Wells. E.T. was snatched from Margaret’s home during a robbery a few months ago and she says she’s been looking for it ever since. Margaret told The Telegraph:
‘There’s only one in the whole of England and that is mine. The police rang and said somebody has found a body in the Solent and it belongs to you – it’s E.T.’ I always knew E.T. would come home. He has lost a finger and looks a bit roughed up. But he has a smile on his face.”
Uh huh, that smile on his face wasn’t a “glad to be home” smile, it was a “glad to be terrorizing you with Reese’s Pieces-flavored day terrors” again. I mean, that picture looks like a still from a horrifying and illegal porn parody used to scare porn addicts into going sober. If you stare at that Mary in the background long enough, it’s obvious she’s praying to her savior above to erase the scene on the couch from her head.
Margaret says that the E.T. doll was made for her by her own daughter and she’s so glad to have him back home with her. Please. We all know Margaret’s the one who threw that monster doll of horrors into the water. We also know that as soon as the Telegraph left, she unsuccessfully tried to shove it down the garbage disposal before collapsing onto the floor and realizing that it will terrorize her for the rest of her days. That’s some Talking Tina shit.
But I think what’s most terrifying is that Russell Brand has definitely found a way to fap to this.