More Like Mountain Ewwww

January 4, 2012 / Posted by:

An Illinois man threw a lawsuit at PepsiCo back in 2009, because he says that he found a dead mouse in a can of Mountain Dew. If you’re wondering how can a mouse get into a can of Mountain Dew, just remind your ass that somehow Xtina squeezes into a bandage dress that is six sizes too small. Anything can happen. The mouse-finder claims he sent the can and the dead mouse to Pepsi, but after testing it they destroyed it. But Pepsi’s defense is that there’s no way the dude could find a whole dead mouse in the can, because Mountain Dew is so toxically disgusting that it can melt an entire mouse including its bones. Well, the good news is that Parasite Hilton finally found something to melt the warts on her pussy that have grown furry faces and have started to bark. The Atlantic Wire puts it like this:

Most shudder-worthy, however, is that Pepsi’s lawyers also found experts to testify, based on the state of the remains sent to them, that “the mouse would have dissolved in the soda had it been in the can from the time of its bottling until the day the plaintiff drank it,” according to the Record. (It would have become a “jelly-like substance,” according to Pepsi, adds LegalNewsline.)

I’d be surprised if there wasn’t bits of mouse jelly in every can of Mountain Dew. That is a marketing point for their asses. Mountain Dew: Now with more protein! Mountain Dew is also the perfect butt douche to turn to when that stubborn gerbil refuses to fall out of your ass.

But seriously, only trash drinks Mountain Dew (cut to you sipping a Sanka with a splash of Dew). Any refined soda-ie only sips from a vintage Cactus Cooler can.

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