The Brangie/Aniston fan fiction written in tabloids has officially swirled into a hyperbole of hot-blooded fuckery and sluts just don’t give a fuck anymore. They will splatter anything on their pages.
Remember that story about how Sue Mengers advised Jennifer Aniston to get Brad Pitt’s sperm when he dropped her for Angie Jolie? I just knew that one of the tabloids would spin it into something truly fucktastic and they didn’t let me down. Star stepped up and spun out this tragic tale of how Angie temporarily left Brad after finding out that he once made a baby with Jennifer Aniston. It all started when Angie asked Brad about the Sue Mengers story and he tried to deny it, but later he admitted that Jen got pregnant for a second in 2004 and quickly miscarried. Angie had a skeleton fit, because she wants to be the only one with ovaries touched by Brad’s sperm. Basically, Angie has a greedy uterus. The source (aka an intern with a creative writing degree who was drunk on fermented fruitcake at the time) said this:
“He had never told Angie this before. She had assumed all along that she was the only woman Brad had ever impregnated. Now Angie is questioning everything, including whether she can ever trust Brad again.
Brad doesn’t tell Angie everything, especially when it comes to Jen. The mention of Jen makes Angie completely irrational. But he never imagined this would infuriate Angie to the extent that it has. Now it could spell the end of them forever.”
If this story was translated into Spanish and you sprinkled a few “lárgates” on it, you’d have the script for the best novella ever. But it gets better. The National Enquirer says that you’re about to see the image of a knocked up saintly skeleton, because Angie has a 3-month-old fetus in her ethereal womb.
In a startling development, the screen sexpot and papa Brad Pitt are getting the best New Year’s present of all – a surprise pregnancy.
Sources reveal the thrilled Oscar winner is three months along and now she can’t hide her telltale belly bump.
“Brad and Angie are ecstatic,” an insider told The ENQUIRER.
“They’ve been trying to conceive for most of the year. It was always their goal to have another biological baby, and they want to adopt at least one more down the line. But at 36, Angie’s biological clock has been ticking.”
“With all of Angie’s medical woes lately, she and Brad consider it a blessing and a miracle that she was able to conceive,” revealed the insider. “Angie had a very rough first trimester and struggled to keep weight on,” noted a close source.
“But she’s put on weight over the holidays, stuffing herself with meats and fruits. She’s completely committed to staying healthy for the sake of her family, but she needs to gain more weight to keep her baby healthy.”
You can’t make this shit up! Oh wait, they just did. No, no, both of these stories are about as factual as factual as factual as factual can be. I believe every word of them. I also believe that what I wrote in my Sue Mengers post is as factual as factual can be. Jennifer Aniston took one of her own ovaries, fertilized it with Brad’s donated sperm and somehow got it into Angie’s greedy uterus. Angie is carrying Jennifer and Brad’s love child! And my 2012 will officially be made when the nurse hands Angie the child and a stream of liquid revenge bursts out of her bulging forehead vein as the new baby says to her, “Uncooooooo.”