The Audience Will Be The Miserable Ones

January 4, 2012 / Posted by:

And here I was thinking that nothing could leave me in a state of disgusted confusion like this NSWFish picture of Charlie Sheen working as a cheese cleaner to earn that 8 ball, but this dreadful musical theater news has beat that shit.

Tom Hooper, the director of The King’s Speech, is doing a Les Miserables movie and so far his casting decisions haven’t made my ears cringe themselves shut. Tom cast Russell Crowe as Javert, Hugh Jackman as Valjean, Anne Hathaway as Fantine, Eddie Raymane as Marius and he’s talking to Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter about taking the roles of Thenardier and Mme Thenardier. Not that bad. But “not that bad” has turned into “OMGMYEARSWHYTORTURE!”, because Tom has offered Taylor Swift the role of Eponine. Eponine is that dumb urchin bitch who is in love with Marius, but still leads him to his true love Cosette and eventually gets herself shot up in the end. I know all of this, because I was gay in high school. Musical theater was the only way to deal.

Broadway World has it on good authority that after months of auditions, Taylor Swift beat out ScarJo, Lea Michele and Evan Rachel Wood. Universal has also offered the role of Cosette to Amanda Seyfried. Rehearsals start at the end of the month, so the entire cast should be announced soon.

I’m sure a warm feeling would fill most of our dead hearts while watching Taylor Swift die a slow painful death, but Tom Hooper said himself that all of the actors will have to sing live. LIVE. Taylor Swift + singing live = eardrum genocide! Can’t they dub her with a goat getting strangled? It would be more on key.

The only reason I can come up with as to why Tom would cast this yodeling broomstick is that he really wants the audience to feel the pain of the characters. You know, when Taylor gets a bullet to the body, he really wants all of us to pull out a gun and shoot ourselves in the ears to escape the torturous sound of her last singing notes.

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