Here Come The Claws

Thank the heavens, FINALLY, something interesting happened. Somewhere between the fifty RUSSELL AND KATY SPLIT articles and watching paint dry, Michael K pulled a little gem out of his no-no that will make all of our black hearts smirk with satisfaction. Celebitchy reports that the World Bitch Slap Championship has been scheduled at the Golden Globe Awards, and the headliners are Angelina Jolie and Madonna. I usually avoid the celebs-slobbering-on-themselves awards shows like LeAnn Rhimes avoids a cheeseburger, but suddenly the GGs are sparking my interest.

This battle has been brewing for awhile. Back in 2006, when Madonna adopted her son David, Angie threw shade all over her ass in an interview where she said “Madonna knew the situation in Malawi, where (David) was born. It’s a country where there is no real legal framework for adoption. Personally, I prefer to stay on the right side of the law. I would never take a child away from a place where adoption is illegal.” Hahaha that Angie, always making jokes. Apparently Angie didn't like Madge muscling in on her save the children territory, and thought her copy-cat ass should stick to thrusting her memaw crotch in time to her music. Anyway, the bad blood has continued to flow between these two in a passive-aggressive death by a thousand cuts fest since then.

Interestingly, the two have never met, although Madonna's ex Guy Ritchie and Brad Pitt were really good friends and hung out every chance they got. So that brings us to the Golden Globes, where Madonna's W.E. has gotten nods for music and technical awards and Angelina's In the Land of Blood and Honey has a Best Foreign Film nomination. It will be the first time the two are nose job to cheek implant. God please, if you will seat them at adjoining tables, I will never smoke weed again!!! Okay, only on days ending in Y. I swear though, I will give it up permanently if MK drunk blogs and it goes a little something like this.

Celebitchy
Image by Andy Rouse

Posted by: Sweetas

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Submitted by never722 on Sat, 05/19/2012 - 3:37am.

Submitted by Anti-Brandgelina on Sun, 01/01/2012 - 2:18pm.

I hope Madonna is going to give Jolie the middle finger !

Submitted by The Bitch on Sun, 01/01/2012 - 9:21am.

Submitted by Naughychimp on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 6:36pm.

Yep, I remember reading it the time. Seems that while Jolie was in a relationship with Jenny and was in fact in love with her, Jenny was stepping out on her with Madonna. All that time Madonna was just using Jenny for sex (she was Madonna's "sex slave", as Jenny herself puts it), while Jolie thought about marrying Jenny.
You know it really hurt Jolie's pride. LOL!

Anyho, my money is defiantly on Madonna; she works out and has a lot of muscular structure, while Jolie starves herself and is all skin and bones. In fact, she looks like she might snap even before Madonna kicks her.

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"I am a legend, get these people out. I want to take drugs."

Submitted by heima on Sun, 01/01/2012 - 4:29am.

Why those continual references to Celebitchy in two days?
Kaiser, is it you under the name of Sweetas?

Submitted by Daniee on Sun, 01/01/2012 - 3:47am.

Sorry, but this is boring. Madonna doesn't give two shits what anyone says about her. Even that hypocritical heap of dried on vomit.

Submitted by TheBreakdown on Sun, 01/01/2012 - 12:54am.

Sweetas!

That post was gold!

My money's on Vadge in three rounds. That bitch IS from Detroit, after all.

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Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©

Submitted by Pinkismyblack on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 10:52pm.

Sounds like the Golden Globes have gone the way of the shitfest asslicking Oscars. AngieJo's craptasm nominated for Best Foreign Film?? FUUUU

Submitted by Vern on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 9:43pm.

SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEtttttttAAAAAAASSSSSS!!!!!

I would rather watch you and Charleze gettin' all Pheesical. That seems way more fun. Happy New year to all you drunkilated whoooahs!

*chanting as always*
"I feel the burn it must be Vern" PERKY 2011

Submitted by dementa on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 8:24pm.

Submitted by HockeyMom on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 6:37pm.

Yeah, but she's probably already got the osteoporosis that Angie is working toward. So in a scuffle, she would break a hip.

Plus, there's the question of whether Angie has a knife on her. So many variables!

*********

I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.

Submitted by HockeyMom on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 5:07pm.

Personally I don't like either one, but my money's on Madge for the take-down. With her serious workouts and muscular legs I could see her taking down stick-girl Angie and putting her in a figure-four leg lock. I'd definitely watch that match!

Submitted by Naughychimp on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 5:06pm.

Found it!

"Angelina Jolie and Madonna's lesbian lover was sleeping with both of them at the same time it is being reported. Angelina Jolie and Madonna might be bitch-slapping each other these days over the topic of adoption, but it would seem that they still have one thing in common - lesbian Jenny Shimizu.

Shimizu, who Jolie has openly admitted was her lesbian lover, is reportedly getting set to write a tell-all book in which she will reveal in great detail about how she was sleeping with Angie and Madge.

You think Madonna and Angelina Jolie have been trading barbs now, wait till these sparks begin to fly now that the fact that the model was seeing both of them at the same time has arisen.

According to the Daily Mail, the 39-year old model in the book will reveal that the Queen of Pop flew her around the world for secret sex romps before she married the film director Guy Ritchie.

If you recall, Shimizu revealed her affair with the Jolie last year. Jolie met Shimizu on the sets of their film Foxfire, and famously said in an interview "I would probably have married Jenny if I hadn't married my husband (Billy Bob Thornton). I fell in love with her the first second I saw her."

Shimizu, a former Calvin Klein model, revealed earlier this year that she had also been Madonna's "sex slave", and described the singer as "sensational" in bed,

"I was her secret 'booty call' available any time of the day or night for secret sex sessions," the model earlier said. http://www.postchronicle.com/news/or...21259001.shtml

Read more: Jenny Shimizu Says She Was Bedding Madonna & Angelina Jolie at the Same Time - the Fashion Spot http://forums.thefashionspot.com/f63/jenny-shimizu-says-she-bedding-mado...

Submitted by Sayonara on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 4:15pm.

Submitted by babybunny on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 3:57pm.
Cheek implant to nose job.....love it!!! Both bitches....butt one is too fucking old and one is too skinny to make this fight worth watching....
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Too funny!

(973) Jersey Strong

Submitted by islandgirl on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 2:40pm.

Submitted by Cap6 The Asperger on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 3:50pm.

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 3:01pm.
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♥♥♥♥♥

THat is all... thud. Fok you, coffee tabl, that hurt. Auld acquaintance me arsehole. B

Submitted by babybunny on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 2:27pm.

Cheek implant to nose job.....love it!!! Both bitches....butt one is too fucking old and one is too skinny to make this fight worth watching....

Submitted by Cap6 The Asperger on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 2:20pm.

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 3:01pm.

Submitted by islandgirl on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 2:56pm.

WHO HAS MY SMOKES AND WHY AM I SHOUTING???

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LOL!

WHAT TIIIIIIIME IS IT?!
++++++

DBL LOLLOL, FUCKI IT IT'S NEW YEARS AND I'M SLOSHED AND YELLING ALSO AT 5PM; TEAM SHOUT IT OUT ON NYEVE! TEAM ♪♫ ♪SHOUT, SHOUT ♪♫....LET IT ALL OUT... ♪ (hugs to Tears For Fears)

_____
"Discussions about what is good, beautiful, noble, pure, true, could always go on. Why is that important? Because that is the only conversation worth having." Christopher Hitchens,1949-2011. (RIP Winehouse,1983-2011) *caprica six was/is here*

Submitted by Cap6 The Asperger on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 2:16pm.

Fuck it, I'm on Jolie's side. Whatever. *flips the dlb bird*

Submitted by justincase on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 2:04pm.

Vadgeroma cannot win this one as Jolie has the two things Vadge wants more than anything else: youth (relatively speaking) and actor cred (debatable but ...). Meanwhile, I plan to miss both vanity projects and hope that worthier nominations win the awards.

Submitted by SANS FARDS on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:51pm.

I think a photo of two grizzled old vultures fighting over a piece of carrion would have been more appropriate here.

_______________________________________________

Never question Bruce Dickinson!

Submitted by GiveIt2Me on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:33pm.

Get it Madge take that cunt down

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:31pm.

Submitted by islandgirl on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 2:56pm.

WHO HAS MY SMOKES AND WHY AM I SHOUTING???

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LOL!

WHAT TIIIIIIIME IS IT?!

♥ Threadkilla!
"god bless, buy my single!"~Courtney Stodden

Submitted by islandgirl on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:26pm.

WHO HAS MY SMOKES AND WHY AM I SHOUTING???

Submitted by Andrei on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:26pm.

Meat,

True, true. Tis why I was saying these two would probably just slap each other with their designer goods. That way.. they can see in which soulless manner their bags are better-made.

Submitted by islandgirl on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:25pm.

angel, I should have said I'd go down ON the Legion hall. Hahaha, wine is fun!!

Submitted by islandgirl on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:23pm.

Callie, if she's a natural beauty, I'm not tipshy! :))

Submitted by Meatblocks on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:14pm.

ooohing and aaahhhing as if these two are "badasses"? c'mon.
dignity people, dignity.
they're entertainers for cryin out loud. spoiled, pampered and overpaid poodles.
-nothing fierce about that.
the only thing remotely fierce about either woman is that madonna works out a lot.
fuck the diva pedestal worship bs, in a real battle that matters madonna would knock the veins off jolie with a single bat of her muscular eyelashes.
jolie is a nobody by way of accomplishment or even cuntafasse (-jh) ... she's just a striking looking junkie.

*peddles off in a mint '88 yugo*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kei83nNbrFY&feature=related

Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:12pm.

Submitted by beakers bitch on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:47pm.

Submitted by islandgirl on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:33pm.
If I wanted to watch two sinewy hags go at it, I'd go down to the Legion hall.

LOLOLOL, IG! Another reason these two don't like each other could be that they were both banging Jenny Shimizu at the same time. Jenny blabbed about it, can't remember where, and she described Madge as a tiger in bed or some shit.

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Well, well, well! I do like the way this is shaping up!

*jumping on the Happy New Year train WOO! WOO!*

♥ Threadkilla!
"god bless, buy my single!"~Courtney Stodden

Submitted by christine the hoff on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:08pm.

Thanks IG!

"Puts on bulletproof vest"

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Don't stand on my tits, bitch!

Submitted by rosehips69 on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:05pm.

Umm, I'm not Team Madonna or Team Jolie, but I throw this out there because of Angelina's sanctimonious BS.

Didn't she basically march into Vietnam and basically yank Pax out of an orphanage without truly allowing him to process what was happening, or say goodbye to the woman who'd raised him up to that point? And didn't she change his name — the kid was like, what 4 or something? — and just start calling him PAX for no good reason?

So, in no time, this sentient being gets ripped from his caretakers, has his named changed, is conscripted into a Hollywood child army run by a drama queen do-gooder for whom children are a not-quite-endless narcissistic supply and for whom motherhood is good PR?

She's throwing shade? Bitch, please. This isn't a Gucci handbag we're talking about. "I got one first! So you can't carry one too."

Submitted by Andrei on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:03pm.

Dog,

ROFL. That would be cool. HAHA. Making me giggle today.

Next thing they'll throw at each other are one another's expensive designer bags and then their heels. Louis Vuitton vs. Material Girl.

Submitted by islandgirl on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 12:58pm.

CTH--- ♥♥♥ hooker!! Be careful what you wish for, one of them bites. :))

*sends you a free lifetime supply of tetanus shots*

Submitted by Callie on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 12:57pm.

Submitted by islandgirl on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 2:23pm.
Submitted by beakers bitch on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 2:09pm.

I didn't want that visual either, but it was probably a blow to Angie Jo's as-big-as-her-forehead ego.
----------------
Speaking of foreheads and veins and such...

http://retardnews.com/uploads/2007/angelina-jolie-vein.jpg

You could divine water with that thing!!!

_______________________

She also has the tell-tale bunny nose lines of Botox but can't be, she's a natural beauty. Eyes roll off page.

Submitted by christine the hoff on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 12:55pm.

islandgirl I love you! My son is with my sister for the night and I'm jonesing for something to do, send you out-laws over to me, I'll teach them a thing or three!

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Don't stand on my tits, bitch!

Submitted by islandgirl on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 12:53pm.

Submitted by beakers bitch on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 2:09pm.

I didn't want that visual either, but it was probably a blow to Angie Jo's as-big-as-her-forehead ego.
----------------
Speaking of foreheads and veins and such...

http://retardnews.com/uploads/2007/angelina-jolie-vein.jpg

You could divine water with that thing!!!

Submitted by precociousmagpie on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 12:52pm.

A fakeass, sinewy hag lezbo tongue-kiss seems like a strong possibility. (Gotta remember not to eat before the show.)

Submitted by islandgirl on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 12:50pm.

Submitted by Manimal5 on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 2:06pm.

I hope Madonna pelvic thrusts her to the death.
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Ahahaha, IT'S A VOGUE-OFF!!!

Happy New Year, Mani!! Don't mind me, I am home for the holidays and am starting to feel me drinks. My folks are out in the kitchen sniping at each other, it's like I never left. :)

*bursts into 'Memories', bangs on the wall*

Submitted by Callie on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 12:47pm.

Eh, Angie's no match for Madge's level of bitchery. She'll probably just be shooting up in the corner while Brad fights her battles for her.

Submitted by ElleDriver on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 12:44pm.

Battle of the insufferable bony claw-armed bitches! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Submitted by beakers bitch on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 12:39pm.

Submitted by islandgirl on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 2:00pm.
Beakers!!! Happy New Year to you! And fuck you very much for that visual. ♥

Hahaha, Happy New Year back atcha, IG! :D I didn't want that visual either, but it was probably a blow to Angie Jo's as-big-as-her-forehead ego.

Submitted by Manimal5 on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 12:36pm.

I hope Madonna pelvic thrusts her to the death.

Submitted by swarm-of-locusts on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 12:31pm.

Oh, I think they'll be too busy hating Ricky Gervais like everyone else in the room. Ricky said that it's his last time hosting and that he's learned absolutely nothing as far as playing nice with celebrities goes. He will bring the full on cunt and I can't wait to follow along via Dlisted.

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Taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time."
— Haruki Murakami

Submitted by islandgirl on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 12:30pm.

Beakers!!! Happy New Year to you! And fuck you very much for that visual. ♥

Submitted by mike on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 12:22pm.

One fight to the death, pls.

kthnxbai

Submitted by Dog on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 12:21pm.

Submitted by Andrei on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:36pm.

Jolie WISHES she was as cool as she thinks she is. Though the possibilities are limitless. Like Jolie slapping Madonna with those flowers she hates. Forgot what they were called...

^^^^^^^^

Poison Ivy?

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www.charitywater.org

www.theanimalrescuesite.com

www.modestneeds.org

Submitted by beakers bitch on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 12:17pm.

Submitted by islandgirl on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:33pm.
If I wanted to watch two sinewy hags go at it, I'd go down to the Legion hall.