GOOPy’s Hangover Cure

December 31, 2011 / Posted by:

Kids, I could use a hangover cure right now. Even one from a pretentious twat. I am in New York City for the New Year on Manhunt business (make of that what you will) and I went to a bar last night that Michael K. recommended. As soon as I saw the Xeroxed copies of guy’s b-holes hanging from the ceiling, I knew I was in the right place. The bar stool read “Finger Me”, there was hard core dicksucking on the monitors and the drinks were cheap (for NYC). I love my hometown of Boston, but New York is the business.

Do you ever feel like Gwyneth Paltrow keeps up that horrid website of hers just to be a cuntafasse (that’s “cuntface” in German. It really isn’t, but if you pronounce it as “Kunt-Ah-Fah-Say” it SOUNDS German and it gives calling someone a cunt a little more flair)? She’s fully aware that all of the right-minded people in the world find her condescending rich bitch website deplorable, right? This week on GOOP, Fishsticks tackled a topic we might actually be interested in – hangover cures. If you figured Gwyneth’s hangover cure was meant solely for the ultra-rich and jet-setty, you were right! Bitch wants you to fly your ass here to New York! Join me! This hotel room is the size of GOOPy’s modesty, but I’ll fit you in.

If you have the time and the inclination, I’ve found that the best hangover remedy can be a hot and cold spa treatment. The original would be the traditional Turkish Hamman, but you can find this kind of treatment in spas all over the world, including my favorites, the low-key Japanese spas in New York, like Osaka.

Start in a hot, dry room and then move into an even warmer steam room. Then splash yourself with cold water (or even dunk in cold pool or under a cold shower). Follow it with a full body scrubdown, which is typically followed by a massage. At the end you’ll be sent to a cool room to relax and cool down.

I’ve been known to recreate this experience at home too. Just draw a bath that is as hot as you can handle it and mix in some Epsom Salts and Baking Soda. Soak for twenty minutes and then pop into a freezing cold shower for 1 minute. Get back in the hot bath and stay until you’re warmed up. Then get back in the shower for 1 more minute.

Lol this bitch. Hangovers are universal. They don’t just happen to “refined” millionaire douchenuggets in London. Cherylyne in the trailer park probably doesn’t have access to a spa, you irritating mistress of smug. Also, who in the fuck has it in em’ to do all this physical activity when they are laid the fuck up with their brain trying to burst through their eyes and so dehydrated they’re pissing butter (ok, that was gross)? I can barely get off the couch, where I am undoubtedly covered in potato chip crumbs and very intent on Love & Hip-Hop. Also, who the dick has a separate shower and bathtub (in their bedroom)? My bathroom is so small that I practically shower in the sink. Snob please!

Not only that – this medical professional says her hangover cure is bullshit. This bitch left her brain in that box in Seven.

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