Daily Archives: December 30, 2011

Tricky Dick

December 30, 2011 / Posted by:

Apologies in advance to all the beautiful gays out there, but according to a new book Nixon’s Darkest Secrets: The Inside Story of America’s Most Troubled President by ex White House Correspondant Don Fulsum, President Richard Nixon was one of you. I know, I know, but hey, we all have our embarrassments. Like Andy Dick for the bisexuals and Charlie Sheen for the str8s. His married eye apparently strayed for Charles “Bebe” Rebozo, a banker from Key Biscanye Florida with reported mob ties. Read all about it on Huffington Post, where they spill details like Richard was a homophobe in public, beat his wife constantly, and was referred to as “our drunk” by his staff. A politician who publicly beats the gays down while swinging on a stripper pole in heels and lingerie in the safety of his closet? Unheard of.

I am not really offended at the thought of a US president having a gay affair. They are, after all, notorious sluts. *cough*BillClintonCallMe*cough* I’m more offended that they dared to both be ugly, and make me think about their sexy times. That is the most scandalous part of this story to me. Please, keep your tighty-whitey sharey times to yourselves. And yes, Richard Nixon just stepped up a little in my eyes. Watergate? Boring. Whatareyoudoingwithmydickinyourassgate? Now we’re getting somewhere. “I am not a crook!” has been replaced with “I am not a crooked dick!” Bravo, Mr. President.

It’s OVAH

December 30, 2011 / Posted by:

So the speculation is true. Despite a denial an few hours ago that all was sunshine and rainbows and nobody was getting served walking papers, TMZ now says that cromagnon Russell Brand filed for divorce from Crayola titties Katy Perry today in LA, citing “irreconcilable differences”. Well they’re both pretty irreconcialably um, “different” so this is not much of a shock.

I hate to go on a right to gay marriage rant (no I don’t) but they were married in October of last year. Sinead and her hubby called it quits after just a couple of weeks. The divine Liz Taylor was married eight times. So what the fuck is this “sanctity” people scream about? People promise to stay together until death, but then won’t even honor the promise by hiring a hit-man. Lazy. Seriously, shit like this right here makes me wonder why the gays aren’t allowed to break contracts left and right like us straights.

That’s why I just live in sin, sleeping with anyone with a six pack and a couple of joints. It’s so much easier to just sneak out a window half dressed in the middle of the night than show up in court and divide my shit up. And yes, I do feel the burning shame of giving Russell and Katy so much time in the precious Dlisted spotlight. Or is that the burn in my no-no region from my last drunk hook-up? Whatever, it hurts.

Meet Shax

December 30, 2011 / Posted by:

I can’t believe I’m blogging about a child (read: slow news day), but this story was so cute I couldn’t resist. Borrowing from a story that Celebitchy borrowed from In Touch Weekly, the rumor is that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt wants to change her name to “Shax” to be more like her brothers who all have the cool X end to their names. Between her Montenegro style and this latest revelation, I think it’s safe to say that Shiloh is not much of a girly-girl.

Quoted from In Touch: “What’s in a name? A lot, if you’re 5-year-old Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. The famous tomboy – who prefers to play rough with her older brothers than play dolls with her sisters – has taken her gamine ways to new extremes, asking her parents, Brad Pitt and Angelina, to call her Shax.

Why Shax? She wants to be just like her brothers, Maddox, Pax and Knox, whose names all end in the letter “X”. A childhood friend of Shiloh’s mom isn’t one bit surprised.

“Angelina was also a tomboy,” the friend tells In Touch. “She changed her name to Vince when she was the same age.”

Vince? Okay I’m just going to choke that down and focus on Shiloh here since she’s much more interesting. I can relate to her, since I had three brothers, and I would rather climb a tree than dress up my Barbie, although I did enjoy undressing her and Ken and forcing them to do unspeakable things in the Barbie van. Memories. Anyway, I turned out fine (SHUT IT) and I’m sure little Shax will too. Even if her new name means broken down ghetto ass houses, like the one I live in. Get your tomboy on Shax Pitt-Jolie!

Afternoon Crumbs

December 30, 2011 / Posted by:

Do you know the SUCIO shit my friend Richard Gere would do with this Mexican gerbil?” – Lainey Gossip

Elle Macpherson’s bikini looks like it was made from the tablecloth my friend’s Russian grandmother lays on the table for New Year’s Day lunch – Hollywood Tuna

It’s sort of ironic that Vonta Leach would make a perfect drag queen name – Towleroad

Here’s a picture to go with that fanfic you wrote about Ryan Gosling’s feet toe-fucking the jam into you – Popsugar

Maria Menounos is in a bikini and why shouldn’t she be since every trick is in a bikini this week – Hollywood Rag

Aaaand Lily Aldridge too – Popoholic

A trip down Blohan’s memory lane feels a lot like doing a line of the bad shit cut with dirty kitty litter – The Superficial

The world is not a fair place when Lady CaCa is tapping her disco stick on this hot piece – Just Jared

The National Enquirer lost me at “woman” – Celebitchy

Eva Herzigova for some shit called S Moda – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

See what the word TACKY shat out today – Cityrag

Okay, TACKY’s asshole was burning up, because it also shat out this today – I’m Not Obsessed

Please tell me after this video ended Freddy got his revenge with a ferret bite to the dick – The Daily What

Debra Messing might be a home wrecking whore, but that still doesn’t wipe away the boring from her image – SOW

Kim Kuntrashian claims she’s a size 2 (more like size poo, sorry) and I think I laughed so damn hard that now I’m a size 2 – ICYDK

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Ho Ho Ho-ing In Rome

December 30, 2011 / Posted by:

Well, that didn’t take long. Celebslam reports that your favorite man whore and mine (okay not even in our top 10 really) Ashton Kutcher was in Rome over Christmas with his new squeeze Lorene Scafaria. She’s a 33-year-old screenwriter who some say he started seeing back in February when he auditioned for one of her films. But that math doesn’t make sense, since he was still very married to his mom Demi Moore then!! And still is, right? Oh what the fuck am I saying, you know it’s totally true. She was reportedly in a relationship when they met too. Birds of a SUCIO! feather nesting, how sweet.

According to Celebslam:

“During their private sojourn, the couple tooled around in a Porsche Carrera Sports 2011 and holed up at a private pad. During a romantic lunch at Pizzeria Trattoria Toscana in Pisa on Christmas Eve, they ‘held hands,’ witness Alex Thorpe tells Us. ‘They shared spaghetti, and he paid.’”

Well isn’t that EXCITING. Holding hands and eating spaghetti! I wonder if they slurped a noodle until they accidentally smooched and he rolled a meatball to her with his nose like in Lady and the Tramp. Between that greasy mess of hair on his head and his vagabond peen he’s got the tramp part DOWN. Move the fuck over Paris, between this and Michael K’s presence Rome is the new city of love.

Open Post: Hosted By The Korean Adele

December 30, 2011 / Posted by:

Since the real Adele recently had froat surgery and has canceled of all her concerts until the end of never, this 15-year-old contestant on K-Pop Star can temporarily take her place. Park Ji Mon knocked the accent off of her tongue when she yodeled out “Rolling in the Deep” and made head judge BoA bust out a BoA in her chonies. Okay, okay, comparing Park Ji Mon’s singing voice to Adele’s singing voice is almost like comparing Kim Kardashian to anything that isn’t a smeared doggy diarrhea stain on a hot sidewalk, but I mainly posted this clip for all the ice cold shade that’s being thrown. Those other contestants are barely old enough to make a pee pee in an adult toilet, but they’re shooting some serious death glares at the Korean Adele. Those are some glares that make you check in the mirror for red marks, because it feels like you’ve just been slapped with an open hand.

Those little bitches can cool their asses in a wet puddle of STAY MAD, because Park Ji Mon’s got this.

via The Daily What

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Rihanna And Chris Brown Getting Twisted On Twitter

December 30, 2011 / Posted by:

Rihanna and Chris Brown are apparently making nice on Twitter, and exchanging beautiful sentiments of love. Chris Brown is disgusting, and I’d rather rim Michael Lohan than acknowledge his ass but this is some Stockholm Syndrome shit. Forgiveness is a difficult and brave thing to do. If she forgave him for beating the stuffing out of her and then somehow still holding on to a career despite being the human equivalent of not washing your hands after #2, that’s her business. But it stills looks a little effed when you’re loving it up in the Twitter Whale’s blowhole.

Fist Brown (I love Michael K.) Tweeted “Love U More Than U Know!” and two minutes later RiRi responded with “I’ll Always Love You #1Love”. Bob Marley would like you fools to stop now, Ri. He sang that shit for smoking kush and lively upping yourself not for sending kisses to the dude who beat skid marks into your forehead expanse.

E! also reports that Chris Brown’s mother (is she a hyena like in The Omen? Hyenas use Twitter?) and Rihanna have exchanged “love” on Twitter as well.

Check out some pics of Rihanna splashing about in Barbados over the holidays. I’d rather she be loving up that Uncle Fester-looking dude who looks like he popped out from under a reef to whisk her ass to his undersea kingdom than making nice with that dickhead on Twitter.

Oh, and this is the most ham-handed segue ever. Fuck, it’s not even a segue. But I need to plug my day job over at Manhunt Daily. If you’re into dudes, you might like all the hot ass we spotlight. Or if you miss me after my last day of posting tomorrow – you know where to find me. I will miss this, I never get to write about whorish vagina over there. Well, ass vagina maybe. Ugh.

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Kelly Clarkson And Wikipedia Aren’t Friends

December 30, 2011 / Posted by:

When I’m writing about gay porn stars and comparing and contrasting dildos on Manhunt Daily (I’m kidding about the dildo part, that’s what I do in my free time at home. The dog is SCARRED for life), I think very little about politics. Luckily, I have politically active celebrities like Kelly Clarkson to do my thinking for me! Bitch has knowledge! American Idol’s very first hooker winner pointed her finger at MSNBC, her digit landed on “that old guy”, and she then blindly endorsed Ron Paul’s presidential campaign on Twitter. It went really well for her.

“I love Ron Paul. I liked him a lot during the last Republican nomination and no one gave him a chance. If he wins the nomination for the Republican party in 2012 he’s got my vote. Too bad he probably won’t.”

Twitter is an essential part of your celebrity brand, but some of these dum dums need parental controls on their phone. Kelly can endorse whomever the fuck she chooses, but the following exchange made it clear that bitch had no fucking clue who Ron Paul is, was, does, fucks, discriminates against, supports, what sex he is, whether he’s an actual human and not a character on 30 Rock, what he feeds his goldfish with, nothing.

@uglybenny @michellebranch classy response. 

@Cibuloid very mature of you. Someone says something you disagree with and you lash out at them. Very mature. 

@Jcourt3 I respect your opinion and I am about progress. Ron Paul is about letting people decide, not the government. I am for this. 

@my_warden I have never seen or heard Ron Paul say anything against gay people? 

@BarkingTurtles I love all people and could care less if you love a man or a woman. I have never heard that Ron Paul is a racist or a homophobe? 

@Deethers I have never heard that he’s a racist? That’s ignorant. [Ed. note - *eye-roll*]

Miss Independent later released a statement saying she loves everyone, blah blah blah, but still supports Ron.  Honey, “Since U Been Gone” is a rad song to drunkenly fag out to (what? shut up!) but this does not make you Christiane Amanpour. Damn. Shit, it barely makes you Connie Chung.

(via Oh No They Didn’t!)

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What The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This (I’m Pointing At Vanessa Hudgens)?

December 30, 2011 / Posted by:

Take a moment to bow your heads and mourn the old copies of Sassy Magazine you kept in a Chinese Laundry boot box underneath your bed in your childhood room at your parent’s house. Because for some reason, they have crawled all the way to Miami and committed suicide by exploding onto the body of Vanessa Hudgens as she strolled with her piece Austin Butler yesterday afternoon. That crocheted monokini plus those dreadful ass overalls equals a whole lot of NO. Bitch looks like a permanently hungover Spring breaker in Panama City Beach, FL who ran out of booze money and was forced to get a quick job as a house painter. Overalls are only okay if you’re still in diapers, building an outdoor deck or making moonshine on a shopping cart grill. Otherwise, just say NOPE.

Vanessa needs to stop thinking she’s Vanessa Huxtable. Bitch puts the NO in Lisa Bonet. Oh, don’t you miss the old days when pretty pretty princess Zac Efron would pick out Vanessa’s outfits, so she wouldn’t step out of the house looking like the tragic carcass of fug collapsed on top of her?

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 30, 2011 / Posted by:

Nunavut - The Canadian territory no one gives a shit about! This bitch has been around since 1999, when it was separated from the Northwest Territories. Despite being the size of Western Europe, only 33,000 people and a bunch of penguins live in this shit. Despite towns with hot names like Alert and Qikiqtarjuaq, no one ever talks about this place, so that’s why we are making it Hot Slut.

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