Tricky Dick

Apologies in advance to all the beautiful gays out there, but according to a new book Nixon’s Darkest Secrets: The Inside Story of America’s Most Troubled President by ex White House Correspondant Don Fulsum, President Richard Nixon was one of you. I know, I know, but hey, we all have our embarrassments. Like Andy Dick for the bisexuals and Charlie Sheen for the str8s. His married eye apparently strayed for Charles “Bebe” Rebozo, a banker from Key Biscanye Florida with reported mob ties. Read all about it on Huffington Post, where they spill details like Richard was a homophobe in public, beat his wife constantly, and was referred to as “our drunk” by his staff. A politician who publicly beats the gays down while swinging on a stripper pole in heels and lingerie in the safety of his closet? Unheard of.

I am not really offended at the thought of a US president having a gay affair. They are, after all, notorious sluts. *cough*BillClintonCallMe*cough* I’m more offended that they dared to both be ugly, and make me think about their sexy times. That is the most scandalous part of this story to me. Please, keep your tighty-whitey sharey times to yourselves. And yes, Richard Nixon just stepped up a little in my eyes. Watergate? Boring. Whatareyoudoingwithmydickinyourassgate? Now we’re getting somewhere. “I am not a crook!” has been replaced with “I am not a crooked dick!” Bravo, Mr. President.

It’s OVAH

So the speculation is true. Despite a denial an few hours ago that all was sunshine and rainbows and nobody was getting served walking papers, TMZ now says that cromagnon Russell Brand filed for divorce from Crayola titties Katy Perry today in LA, citing “irreconcilable differences”. Well they’re both pretty irreconcialably um, “different” so this is not much of a shock.

I hate to go on a right to gay marriage rant (no I don’t) but they were married in October of last year. Sinead and her hubby called it quits after just a couple of weeks. The divine Liz Taylor was married eight times. So what the fuck is this “sanctity” people scream about? People promise to stay together until death, but then won’t even honor the promise by hiring a hit-man. Lazy. Seriously, shit like this right here makes me wonder why the gays aren’t allowed to break contracts left and right like us straights.

That’s why I just live in sin, sleeping with anyone with a six pack and a couple of joints. It’s so much easier to just sneak out a window half dressed in the middle of the night than show up in court and divide my shit up. And yes, I do feel the burning shame of giving Russell and Katy so much time in the precious Dlisted spotlight. Or is that the burn in my no-no region from my last drunk hook-up? Whatever, it hurts.

Meet Shax

I can’t believe I’m blogging about a child (read: slow news day), but this story was so cute I couldn’t resist. Borrowing from a story that Celebitchy borrowed from In Touch Weekly, the rumor is that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt wants to change her name to “Shax” to be more like her brothers who all have the cool X end to their names. Between her Montenegro style and this latest revelation, I think it’s safe to say that Shiloh is not much of a girly-girl.

Quoted from In Touch: “What’s in a name? A lot, if you’re 5-year-old Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. The famous tomboy – who prefers to play rough with her older brothers than play dolls with her sisters – has taken her gamine ways to new extremes, asking her parents, Brad Pitt and Angelina, to call her Shax.

Why Shax? She wants to be just like her brothers, Maddox, Pax and Knox, whose names all end in the letter “X”. A childhood friend of Shiloh’s mom isn’t one bit surprised.

“Angelina was also a tomboy,” the friend tells In Touch. “She changed her name to Vince when she was the same age.”

Vince? Okay I’m just going to choke that down and focus on Shiloh here since she’s much more interesting. I can relate to her, since I had three brothers, and I would rather climb a tree than dress up my Barbie, although I did enjoy undressing her and Ken and forcing them to do unspeakable things in the Barbie van. Memories. Anyway, I turned out fine (SHUT IT) and I’m sure little Shax will too. Even if her new name means broken down ghetto ass houses, like the one I live in. Get your tomboy on Shax Pitt-Jolie!

Afternoon Crumbs

“Do you know the SUCIO shit my friend Richard Gere would do with this Mexican gerbil?” – Lainey Gossip

Elle Macpherson’s bikini looks like it was made from the tablecloth my friend’s Russian grandmother lays on the table for New Year’s Day lunch – Hollywood Tuna

It’s sort of ironic that Vonta Leach would make a perfect drag queen name – Towleroad

Here’s a picture to go with that fanfic you wrote about Ryan Gosling’s feet toe-fucking the jam into you – Popsugar

Maria Menounos is in a bikini and why shouldn’t she be since every trick is in a bikini this week – Hollywood Rag

Aaaand Lily Aldridge too – Popoholic

A trip down Blohan’s memory lane feels a lot like doing a line of the bad shit cut with dirty kitty litter – The Superficial

The world is not a fair place when Lady CaCa is tapping her disco stick on this hot piece – Just Jared

The National Enquirer lost me at “woman” – Celebitchy

Eva Herzigova for some shit called S Moda – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

See what the word TACKY shat out today – Cityrag

Okay, TACKY’s asshole was burning up, because it also shat out this today – I’m Not Obsessed

Please tell me after this video ended Freddy got his revenge with a ferret bite to the dick – The Daily What

Debra Messing might be a home wrecking whore, but that still doesn’t wipe away the boring from her image – SOW

Kim Kuntrashian claims she’s a size 2 (more like size poo, sorry) and I think I laughed so damn hard that now I’m a size 2 – ICYDK

Ho Ho Ho-ing In Rome

Well, that didn’t take long. Celebslam reports that your favorite man whore and mine (okay not even in our top 10 really) Ashton Kutcher was in Rome over Christmas with his new squeeze Lorene Scafaria. She’s a 33-year-old screenwriter who some say he started seeing back in February when he auditioned for one of her films. But that math doesn’t make sense, since he was still very married to his mom Demi Moore then!! And still is, right? Oh what the fuck am I saying, you know it’s totally true. She was reportedly in a relationship when they met too. Birds of a SUCIO! feather nesting, how sweet.

According to Celebslam:

“During their private sojourn, the couple tooled around in a Porsche Carrera Sports 2011 and holed up at a private pad. During a romantic lunch at Pizzeria Trattoria Toscana in Pisa on Christmas Eve, they ‘held hands,’ witness Alex Thorpe tells Us. ‘They shared spaghetti, and he paid.'”

Well isn’t that EXCITING. Holding hands and eating spaghetti! I wonder if they slurped a noodle until they accidentally smooched and he rolled a meatball to her with his nose like in Lady and the Tramp. Between that greasy mess of hair on his head and his vagabond peen he’s got the tramp part DOWN. Move the fuck over Paris, between this and Michael K’s presence Rome is the new city of love.

Open Post: Hosted By The Korean Adele

Since the real Adele recently had froat surgery and has canceled of all her concerts until the end of never, this 15-year-old contestant on K-Pop Star can temporarily take her place. Park Ji Mon knocked the accent off of her tongue when she yodeled out “Rolling in the Deep” and made head judge BoA bust out a BoA in her chonies. Okay, okay, comparing Park Ji Mon’s singing voice to Adele’s singing voice is almost like comparing Kim Kardashian to anything that isn’t a smeared doggy diarrhea stain on a hot sidewalk, but I mainly posted this clip for all the ice cold shade that’s being thrown. Those other contestants are barely old enough to make a pee pee in an adult toilet, but they’re shooting some serious death glares at the Korean Adele. Those are some glares that make you check in the mirror for red marks, because it feels like you’ve just been slapped with an open hand.

Those little bitches can cool their asses in a wet puddle of STAY MAD, because Park Ji Mon’s got this.

via The Daily What