Michael Lohan Is Sick In More Ways Than One

No, the picture above has nothing to do with the story, but it’s fucking funny and humiliating and must be shared with the world. The human epic fail that is Michael Lohan is back in the hospital. Not for the genital warts, herp, and general petri dish that is is crotch area, or to surgically remove the cell phone holder that is welded to his waist. Radar Online says that on Tuesday, the original fuck up of the Lohan family collapsed during an AA meeting and had to be rushed by ambulance to Palm Beach Gardens Hospital where they found a blood clot in his lung. He’s currently taking meds to break up the clot and having CAT scans and an MRI to make sure none of the clot went to his brain. Like anything would voluntarily go there, please. After they release him he’ll go right back to his 120-day court ordered rehab. You know, the one the courts slapped on his stupid ass after he tried to Spiderman into the top of a tree to elude arrest.

In December he underwent surgery to remove a blockage and open an artery in his heart (Milo has a heart? Who knew.) then had to go back to the hospital for a staph infection on the heels of that. Poor staph infection. And poor sickly Michael. At 51 maybe he should think of taking better care of his broken down ass instead of beating women and playing special needs Tarzan. Or he should just ask his daughter to utter the magic words “MOVE THAT CLOT, I’M LINDSAY LOHAN”. I hope he gets well soon, just so he can continue to be an utter embarrassment to his family.

On a related note, there are suddenly lots of openings for nurses at Palm Beach Gardens. To apply, send your resume to michaellohaninahospitalgownisnoreasontooffmyself.com.