Shit Gets Weird(er) With Katy and Russell

Trouble in paradise? That may be the case, if by paradise you mean a squeeky voiced Muppet who always shoves her boobs in your face and a low rent 70’s Cousin It from the planet Weirdo. A very respectable source, aka Us Weekly reports that Katy Perry and Russell Brand spent Christmas on opposite sides of the globe after having a huge blowout. No, unfortunately I’m not talking about Katy’s implants.

Us Weekly says “They had a massive fight. She was like, ‘F–k you. I’m going to do my own thing.’ Russell replied, ‘Fine, f–k you too.'” Ah, romance. And couldn’t they spice it up a little, like “Fuck you in your mangy flea infested beard” and “Fine, titty fuck you too!” Gawd, I have to do everything around here. Even their fights are boring. So after they exchanged the bad kind of fucks, Katie jetted off to Hawaii with friends while her hairier half went to Cornwall.

They’re still officially a couple but their friends are saying they’ve been at each others’ throats for months, and it’s getting worse. Maybe she watched some of Russell’s “stand up” and he heard “Firework” and they got a big slap of wtf did I do with my life to the face. Or maybe Russell got tired of Katy always trapping him by his hair during sexy times (you’re welcome for that image). But some people are saying that it’s because Russell doesn’t respect Katy’s parents or Christian friends. Shocking, I know.

Anyway, there’s been rumors that they’re headed for the big D. And Katy was not wearing her wedding ring in Hawaii…UH OH. Ladies, your prayers have been answered! Russell may be back on the market soon!! Look for him in the discount bin next to the dented cans of creamed corn.