Open Post: Hosted By The Always Demure Angelyne

December 28, 2011 / Posted by:

If you’ve ever wanted to experience the sensation of a candy raver unicorn’s cotton candy pubes brushing up against your eyeballs as the strawberry-scented fart of a Strawberry Shortcake doll trickles up your nostrils, then stare deep into Angelyne’s crotch. If I was Willy Wonka, this is the part in the tour where I’d point at Angelyne’s down low goodness and tell you that’s where the gummy cream in a Spolshberry comes from.

When I was eyeball deep in tourists at the Colosseum in Rome on Monday afternoon, there was an absolutely stunning creature in head-to-toe leopard that could’ve been Angelyne’s long-lost goddess sister. Bitch had a pug face and everything. This 50-something tower of pure elegance had a luscious mop of Clorox-ed hair that would leave bleach stains on your skin if you brushed up against it, a face that was so painted up that I don’t think she’s seen her natural skin in at least 30 years and an outfit that is definitely on an endangered species list. This woman was my EVERYTHING and has been the best part of my trip to Italy so far. I followed her everywhere and she gave me a show I’d gladly empty my checking account for.

This bitch made her daughter (or “younger sister” as my icon introduces her to strangers as) take pictures of her in every setting. She’d stick her ass out, put her hand on her hip and give it to the camera like she was in a Duran Duran video circa 1984. The Colosseum has never EVER seen a show like this in its history. I couldn’t even tell you what the Colosseum looks like, because I was so hypnotized by this glamorous beauty. Who cares about the Colosseum, anyway! I can see that shit at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, right? I think the one in Las Vegas has a bar and is air-conditioned too. Why stare at a landmark of Italy that will be here forever when I can stare at the leopard twin sister of Angelyne? I’m still punching myself in the face (excuse me for a second, I have to punch myself in the face again) for not asking for a picture with her. That picture would’ve been glued to my tombstone and all my dead neighbors would’ve been so fucking jealous!

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