Sometimes at night I suddenly sit up straight in bed, covered in sweat and barely slapping my mouth shut on the scream that wants to shatter windows (my partner: “What are you DOING? Fuck, go back to sleep. Jesus. (pause) Did you fart?”). What was so terrifying that I have this cinema queen reaction?
It’s the thought that someday the ancient astronauts who started this grand experiment are going to return to see the results. They’re going to pick a couple of humans to investigate to see what their efforts have wrought, and then decide if we’re worth continuing. Who will they pick, you ask? Will it be Nobel Peace Prize winner Ellen Johnson Sirleaf? Frank DeMartini and Pablo Ortiz? These people? It would have to be this guy, right?
Fuck, no. It’s going to be Michael Lohan. The star gods will check him out for about ten seconds, shake their heads, and open a black hole in the center of our planet (SCIENCE!) and we’ll all die screaming cuz’ of this dumb motherfucka of famesuck. Thanks, asshole.
Papa Lohan went on Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers show (Pinsky’s become a bit of a famesuck himself) to talk about the Photoshop renderings Lindsay Lohan posed for in Playboy. It looked like an infomercial for how Men’s Wearhouse changed Mr. Lohan’s life. Despite having a bone on in his trousers over A) his daughter in Playboy and B) getting a live studio audience to play “doting father of celebrity fuckup” in front of, Mr. Lohan went for the Cable Ace acting award.
“I haven’t seen it and I won’t look at it. I’ve never looked at it,” he tells Pinsky. “I heard it’s ‘classy’….she did some movies that were a little risque at times and I couldn’t even go to the movies and watch them.”
Lying sack of spew! He jacked on them SO HARD. People with cell phones clipped to their belts are either the nicest albeit most clueless guys in the world or the pages of their personal copy of their junkie daughter’s Playboy debut are stuck together. He would be the latter. Mr. Lohan considers Lohan showing off her milky goodness for the general public a “move” that’s positive because it means she’s “working”. Yes, she’s showing the maximum effort.
Lohan reportedly goes on to express concern over Lohan’s sea jasper use and her getting involved with “the wrong people”. Bitch could be getting mani/pedis with Casey Anthony and Leatherface and she would still be better off than with you.
Papa Lohan also reveals his ex-girlfriend Kate Minor (in Stupid, the one he seems to regularly beat the shit out of, and who inspires dramatic cunt moves like leaping out of windows and faking heart attacks) might be carrying his latest big mistake. Sweet Jesus.
“Before I went in, she thought that she might be pregnant,” Michael says. “When she left her dads house, she left some medication and her pills there and she was off the pill for like four or five days and of course we had sex…so there was a chance…from what I understand now, she says she’s pregnant or she could be. Evidently she is taking the test so she thinks she might be.”
Of course they had sex. Who could resist a man who just kicked you in the face and whose pet name for you is “Cunt”? Romance.
This dude is SUCH a junkie for the camera/gossip column item/blog post that you can almost see him QUIVERING in lust as Drew sinks the needle into his arm. What a sad piece of shit. He definitely made valedictorian at the Joe Simpson Academy For Completely Inappropriate Fathers, though.