God Won’t Let Maria Leave Ahnold

December 26, 2011 / Posted by:

Damn, was she on the juice, too? Cheeks! Jesus is being the opposite of helpful to Maria Shriver this holiday season. TMZ is reporting that she’s (blue)waffling on actually divorcing husband Arnold Schwarzenegger. Her issue? Going through with the divorce is difficult for her because of her Catholic upbringing. Let’s be honest – does it seem like God has ever really smiled upon the Kennedys? Sweetie, become a Protestant and sign off on those papers.

Shit, there’s no divorce loophole in the Bible for when he fucks the maid full of child? When you actually live through some “he had a whole other secret family and she worked in my house and smiled at me every morning WHILE PREGNANT WITH MY HUSBAND’S CHILD” shit out of a One Life To Live episode? If the Catholic version of God is half the awesome guy he’s supposed to be, he’d ignite a bush and give her the OK in this situation.

Oh, and they spent the holiday together according to People and had “a really nice time.” If the source for the report was Maria, a “really nice time” probably means she did that thing to him from Casino Royale where Daniel Craig got his naked ass sat in the chair without a bottom and got whipped on his ass and balls with big rope.

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