The Best Advice Jennifer Aniston Didn’t Take (Or Did She?)

The late Sue Mengers was a major agent in Hollywood who once represented Barbra Streisand and in her later years she threw all kinds of fancy as fuck parties where she made friends with famous hos like Jennifer Aniston. In a profile on Sue for The New York Times, Maureen Dowd writes that even Sue didn’t want Jennifer to be Forever Aloneistone. When Brad dropped Jen off in MiserableVille (Population: Aniston) to enlist in St. Angie’s holy army, Sue gave her a drop of advice:

But she had a soft, warm side; she was a yenta who loved fixing people up, in work and in love. If a match struck, she would urge the woman, “We have to close the deal.” After Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, Mengers told me that she advised her beloved Jen to ask Brad for some of his sperm.

You know shit is dire when someone you aren’t related to is concerned that you’re going to become a dusty, crazy old spinster who doesn’t think it’s weird that her bedside tables are made out of the skeletons of her dead cats.

Sue did give Jen good advice, though. Jen should’ve taken it and then took that shit ten steps further. Jen should’ve fertilized one of her own eggs with Brad’s stoner jizz. Then Jen should’ve yelled “MARRIED A-LIST MOVIE STAR 12 O’CLOCK!” at Angie Jolie to make that trick instinctively spread her legs. That would’ve been Jen’s cue to shoot that fertilized egg into Angie’s cooch with a straw. And nine months later, Angie would’ve given birth to Jen and Brad’s baby! Jen could’ve named that kid: SWEET REVENGE!!!!!! (exclamations included). Oh, Jen, you should’ve done it. Jen missed an opportunity to put her mouth to Angie’s ear and whisper: “Guess who’s baby just came out of your twat? Mine, bitch!”

And yes, I’ve been watching old Days of Our Lives episodes again.

via Vulture