Kuntrashian Krap Made By Child Slave Laborers

I know, I know, I’m infecting your screens with two Karkrashian posts in a row and it feels like you just snorted Louisiana amoeba water straight from the tap, but I’ll make it up to you with a video of an elusive unicorn pug in his natural habitat.

Auntie Kathie Lee Gifford obviously taught the Kardashians the tricks of the child slave labor trade, because the cover of Star Magazine (via Radar) this week is all about how many of their shit products are made by tortured 16-year-old slaves in the Guangdong region of China. It’s bad enough that child slaves have to suffer by being forced to look at those trash faces and spend hours wondering why us dumb Americans seem to worship mutated warthog rectums with eyelashes like tiny spider dicks, but Charles Kernaghan, the executive director of Global Labour and Human Rights, says that the sweatshop workers are also forced to work 84 hours a week without breaks.

When human rights groups investigated several of the factories, they found sweatshop workers making products for K-Dash, the Kris Jenner Kollection and Shoe Dazzle. The non-air-conditioned factories smelled like an ass tampon marinated in asparagus piss (aka the scent of Kim’s dead soul) and the workers only made $1 an hour. They also had to pay their bosses for food and rent, leaving some of them with only $15 a month. Charles also added:

“The Kardashians are in bed with some pretty bad people. (Ed note: Aaaand it made them STAAAARS!) Not only are celebrities like the Kardashians taking advantage of these workers, they are holding hands with a government that spits on democracy and women’s rights.

Kim has been very fortunate, but it’s time for her and her family to treat these workers with respect. Kim, for example, could say, ‘It ain’t going to be all about me, me and me.’ (Ed note: Kim can’t legally say that. It says so in goat’s blood on her contract with the devil.) She could do something and not leave behind a broken mess of women and children. If she took a stand and said, ‘I want to manufacture my products in Chicago or Los Angeles, where I can ensure people humane conditions,’ she would be taking the right stand.”

When asked for a response, Pimp Mama Kris said, “Those little brats who are slaving away to make whores who don’t work at all richer are making a dollar a day?! A dollar of my money? Didn’t Sally Struthers say that you can feed a child for like ten cents or something? Why aren’t we paying them ten cents? We need to move operations to Sally Struthersville or wherever there’s ten cent workers. Khloe, Khloe, stop waxing your tongue and get on it!”

In happier news, MSN reports that the Kardashian Kollection for Sears is a failure. There is hope after all.

UPDATE: A spokeswhore for the Kuntrashians responded with this: “This is the first we are hearing about it and take it very seriously as we would never condone this. We are presently investigating the situation.”