Jessica Biel (Tip: Read that boring ho’s name in Sookeh from True Blood’s voice to make it more exciting. Jessica Beeeeeehl!) and Justin Timberlake have been getting on and off of each over for the past 4 years and I figured it was only a matter of time before their relationship completely buried itself right next to the open grave reserved for their movie careers. But apparently Jessica and Justin have tortured each other for so long that they have decided they should torture each other all the way by getting married. Lainey Gossip points to this Tweet from a gallery owner in Jackson, Wyoming:
Word on the street is that Justin Timberlake proposed to Jessica Biel at the Amangani last night…we’re picking out post-engagement presents for them just in case they come in! Trying to play it cool…
Jessica Biel seems like a vacuum hole that can suck the personality out of any room she enters and there are major parts of Justin Timberlake’s personality that need to be sucked into a black hole to nothingness, so I hope they make each other miserable for centuries to come.
And I will be disappointed in Justin if he didn’t propose to Jessica by making her open his dick in a box. You know a finger ring can easily fit around his peen without the help of Crisco. I will also be disappointed if Justin and Brit Brit don’t have a double wedding with a cowboy pimp denim theme.